Stepdads mean well. They marry you, knowing full well they’re taking on the family package—and they do it willingly. So let’s give these intrepid souls their due.

Let’s also not become disillusioned with the differences in child-rearing opinion and methodology we may discover after the “I do.”

Learning about each other’s parenting philosophy is a conversation that you hopefully have had prior to making your vows. Even first-marrieds can have differing opinions on how to raise children: one may be a strict disciplinarian, while the other takes more of a laissez-faire approach.

You can see the potential for a clash!

If you haven’t had that conversation, it’s never too late. You may not agree with your husband’s approach to pitching in with your kids. I recommend you offer a guiding hand so he knows what your expectations are.

To begin with, understand that stepdads don’t get a lot of press, unless it’s a negative story or character in a movie. So, stepdads don’t get as much information as what’s out there for stepmothers, or they may think, “No big deal—nothing I can’t handle,” and then they enter the reality of the stepfamily dynamic and think, “I’m in over my head!”

No doubt they enter the remarriage union with the best of intentions. But if your husband runs afoul of the way you have been doing things for years… they suddenly find themselves on shaky ground when you get upset.

Chuck Semich, a licensed family therapist and RemarriageWorks advice columnist, offers the following three tips so a stepmom can guide her husband through the transition into the stepfamily:

1-    Practice Patience

If you keep in mind that your husband means well, it will help you to remember to be patient as he gets situated in his new role. Don’t become disillusioned with your dream man when you discover his beliefs about raising children are diametrically opposed to yours! He may simply not understand your preference for how you want your kids raised, and needs time to assimilate your way of doing things.

2-    Have a Calm Discussion

 

It needs to be a calm discussion, because yelling doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I would encourage stepmoms who find themselves in the position of having a different parenting style from their husband to calmly but firmly explain that they seem to have two different sets of expectations. Let him know you welcome suggestions, but that you want him to leave the parenting decisions and the parenting style up to you. Often what happens is that a stepdad thinks he’s helping his wife when he steps in with the children when they seem to be getting out of hand. In my opinion, when that happens, he is really undermining her authority with the children. She needs to tell him that, because he probably doesn’t realize it. Actually, your husband may be relieved to find out he’s not expected to rescue you from your children!

3-    Compliment, Relate, Repeat,

Some women say, “I’ve told him over and over, but it keeps happening.” If your husband didn’t hear you, it’s possible either he wasn’t listening or you didn’t express it very clearly. I think that sometimes the husbands feel they’re not doing a good job, and when it’s presented to them in a way that they hear that, they’re going to resist it. I think it’s good when you want to start that conversation, point out some of the things he’s doing well, and let him know you really appreciate what he’s done. Then say, “Here’s an area where we need to come to some agreement.” Sometimes it’s just a problem of marital communication where a good family therapist may be of help to get you started on the right path.

Spotlight on Stepdads:

An Interview with a former Stepchild, current Stepdad and StepGrandad…

In honor of Father’s Day here in the month of June, let’s give a round of applause for one of the most unsung heroes out there: stepdads.

I recently interviewed a stepdad who grew up as a stepchild and is now a stepgrandad. He’s a successful licensed family therapist specializing in stepfamily relations, and is RemarriageWorks’ very own advice columnist: Chuck Semich.

Today, I’d like to offer you some highlights from that interview, particularly Chuck’s top 3 pieces of advice for stepdads. These are some nuggets of wisdom that can help stepdads gain some insight into their own expectations that they may be bringing to their blended family and their experiences as a stepdad, as well as help their wives see what it’s like to be in a stepdad’s shoes.

Bonnie:

What are your top 3 pieces of advice for stepdads, such as new stepdads—newly  remarrieds, in particular?

Chuck:

I have some very strong opinions on that, from hard experience and learning—I hope—from my own mistakes!

I would say my top 3 pieces of advice are as follows:

1-    Let their mother do the parenting. Don’t try to change the rules or impose your own standards and values. If you don’t agree on how she’s handling things, make suggestions, not demands—and do it privately. Say something like, “You might want to try this…” or “Maybe this will work…” If she decides not to follow your advice, be graceful about it.

2-    This is extremely important: never force your wife to choose between you and the kids. That should always be a non-issue. She is a wife and a mother, and she should be free to function in both areas, in both roles, and never forced to make a choice.

3-    Work on your relationship with each of your wife’s children: spend time with them, take an interest in what they’re doing, ask them if there’s anything or any way you can be of help to them. Be a consultant, not a disciplinarian. Good relationships aren’t built overnight; they take a long time, even years.

Bonnie:

What if a family has kids that are a little older and they don’t want to have anything to do with the stepparent? What if the kids say no? Let time roll by and hope for the best, or are there things you can do in the background?

Chuck:

It’s a real challenge. I think at some point, the stepfather might want to make a statement to the kids and say something like, “I know we haven’t really hit it off, but I hope over time we can have a good relationship, and I’m here if you need anything.”

Also, be a very good husband to their mother. I notice that my stepchildren were really impressed with our relationship, they told me that many times. And I know that they felt good about the fact that someone really loved and took care of their mother. I think that’s important.

And of course, maybe you’ll never be real close or friends; it’s something you don’t really have a lot of control over. You can take the high ground and you don’t need to take it personally, even though it does hurt sometimes.

To hear the interview in its entirety, go to: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox/2012/06/05/remarriageworks-top-secrets-of-stepfathers