How to Approach Your Ex-Spouse for Extra Expenses

Uniforms, costumes for performances, dental bills, out-of-pocket medical expenses… how should divorced couples handle these extra expenses for their children?

Money is a tough issue for marrieds, and it often remains a battleground after the divorce—especially when kids are involved.

Divorce debt is one thing: those debts accrued during the marriage can be worked out in the divorce paperwork.

What we’re talking about are the extras that kids always require, whether it’s new shoes because their feet have outgrown their sneakers yet again, money for a school trip, or weekly spending money.

For the ex-spouse paying child support, they may feel that they are already doing everything they should that’s required of them legally. Child support goes to helping with the expenses related to raising a child—the same as if the biological parents were still together. 

Child support payments are determined through different means, but generally the incomes of both parents are taken into account as well as child care expenses.

But any parent with a school-age child knows, every time you turn around, there is money needed for something.

Parents who receive child support may be hesitant to approach their ex-spouse and ask for any additional money for things they feel are above and beyond child support payments.

On the internet, you can find calculators to help figure out how much it costs to raise a child to the age of 18. The USDA issued their newest figure this year for this measure: a child born in 2011 will cost $235,000 for middle-income parents to raise to age 18. Factors that affect the number include where you live in the country, food, clothing, health care and those ubiquitous “miscellaneous expenses.”

So if you are hesitant in approaching your ex-spouse to help out with some of those “above and beyond” expenses, keep that number in mind as you prepare to ask to split costs.

Here are 3 tips for approaching the subject with your ex-spouse:

1-    Keep track of monthly expenses.

There is a lot of resentment that can come about related to money when ex-spouses talk. Both parents may be struggling separately to stay on top of bills, or the parent paying the child support may feel their hardship is greater because they see that “chunk of money” coming out of their income each month.

It’s important that the parent who receives the child support payments keep track of child-related expenses. Keeping a record isn’t so you can play a game of tit for tat; rather, it is to show that there is a lot that goes into raising your beautiful children, beyond just food on the table and the roof over their head. You are doing your share, too, and the main goal is to provide the best you can—within both parents’ means—for your children.

2-    Ask your ex-spouse for a meeting.

Asking for money from an ex-spouse can be uncomfortable. Keep in mind that your goal is to provide the best you can with the means you have for your children. You can broach the subject with your ex-spouse with something like this: “I wanted to take a little time to discuss some things about the kids with you. Can you give me a half hour of your time this week?”

Then, when you talk, explain that you have been over your expenses, and you have a lot of additional expenses they may not be aware of. Share the record of what types of things you spend on. It’s recommended you don’t start the conversation with, “We need an extra $200 a month…” as this has no explanation attached to it yet and no doubt you will be met with defensiveness.

Take a diplomatic approach, where you are seeking a solution to a problem rather than allowing things to devolve into accusations and acrimony. Ask your ex-spouse if they are able to contribute some to these extras, or if there are extras they feel should be cut. Maybe this isn’t the year that Little Johnny can go out for football. Maybe braces will have to wait for Cindy.  

3-    Consider a mediator.

Some divorced people can’t even be in the same room together let alone have a civil conversation. But if you have children together, the kids come first—ahead of the hurt feelings and history.

Consider going to a mediator to work out any issues that you can’t work out together where the kids are concerned. A skilled mediator can help you reach a solution that benefits your kids—moving you past those emotional roadblocks that might otherwise stifle good solutions.

Let us know…

Have you been in the situation of asking your ex-spouse for help with the extras?

If so, what was their response?

Do you feel that there’s ever enough money each month to cover child-rearing expenses?

Learn the Rules and Plan Early

Finding a way to pay for your children's college education is a challenge for most families whether it’s a "traditional" two-parent household, a single parent household or a household with a blended family.

There are unique opportunities and challenges facing blended families, which we will go over in a minute. First, remember these three things that apply to all families:

1) College expense planning must always be considered in the context of overall family financial planning. College can be very expensive. Families have debts to pay, savings’ needs, and everyday expenses, and few have enough money to do everything all at the same time. Work the numbers and decide how much you can afford.

2) Parental needs should always trump college funding needs. There are many ways to pay for college but the only way most people can pay for retirement is to save, save, save.

3) Debt for college funding should be minimized if not eliminated all together.

2 Main Types of Financial Aid

There are two types of formal financial aid. There is Federal financial aid, which can come in the form of grants and subsidized loans. Other financial aid may be available through the college itself in the form of grants, loans, and scholarships, and is called "Institutional" financial aid.

Filling out the free application for Federal Student Aid or FAFSA form gets the financial aid process started. This form is available from the Department of Education and it must be filed annually with the school where the student intends to enroll. Each school and state has its own filing deadline so be sure to submit your form on time. It is always a good idea to submit it as soon as possible after January 1st of each year because many needs-based grants are offered on a first come, first served basis

Blended Family Considerations for Financial Aid

There are rules and formulas that apply to federal financial aid and this is where it gets interesting for blended families.

One of the elements that determine how much aid your student will get is the EFC (Expected Family Contribution). The EFC is calculated in accordance with the parents’ and student’s income and resources. Generally, students qualify for more aid as the EFC goes lower. The key to determining parental income and resources for children of divorced parents is with whom the child spent the most time during the previous twelve months. It does not matter who pays child support or who gets to take the child as a tax deduction. What matters is where the child lived. Let’s look at an example:

Mom and Dad divorce. They have one child who lives with Mom. Dad pays child support and has weekend custody. Whether by decree or agreement, Dad’s going to pay for college costs. Dad is a relatively low-earning teacher who remarries a divorced waitress with three children of her own who live with her. Her former husband is in prison. Mom remarries the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, a self-made multi-millionaire who has never been married and thinks children should pay their own way through school like he did.  Dad applies for financial aid thinking this is going to be a slam dunk because let’s  face it, he’s broke. Imagine his surprise when his child qualifies for no federal aid because the household in which the child lives is filthy rich!

In this example, Dad would be smart to have his child apply for “Institutional” aid through the college. On the surface, the child would not qualify, but most institutions have an appeal process where a respectful and well-worded letter may provide some relief.

How could this have been avoided? Actually, it would have been pretty easy. The child was already spending 104 days a year with Dad. Just 79 more and Dad’s household would be the household of record.

There are other blended family issues as well. For example, let’s assume that the child lives with Dad but Mom’s new husband wants to help pay for school. Will this cause the child to be turned down for aid? No, but stepdad’s money “gift” needs to be reported as the child’s asset, making the child richer and reducing the need for aid.   

The point is, you need to know the rules and you need to make a plan long before it becomes a crisis. Most parents, divorced or not, want to do what’s best for their children and like all money issues, communication is the key. 

Frank Boucher, CEBS, CFP® is the owner of Boucher Financial Planning Services in Reston, Virginia.  

What Does the Fall Line-up Have Lined Up for Blended Families?

When you think of television shows featuring traditional families, you may think back to the old Leave it to Beaver episodes or even The Addams Family.

What do you think of when you hear “blended family television shows?” You may not be as quick to respond, but actually, blended families have had a fair amount of representation in the world of television.

Although not the first blended family to be shown on television (Make Room for Daddy and Bonanza both featured stepfamilies), The Brady Bunch was aired by ABC from 1969 to 1974 during a time when divorce and remarriage were on the rise in the United States. The first season was especially centered on the six children who were learning how to live together and operate as a family unit. Of all the family drama they did have, they never seemed to have to deal with the absent parents’ families. There were no extenuating blended-family dramas such as Grandparents-in-law carting just their three biological grandkids off for special occasions or other awkward situations.

For nearly a decade we’ve had Two and a Half Men, aired by CBS since 2003, and faithful viewers have watched as Jake, the “Half” portion of the title, grew up and the comedy ensue as he was swapped back and forth between his parents’ homes. Now his uncle Charlie is gone and Jake has left the paternal nest to join the Army. Is this a spin-off possibility? Perhaps Jake will meet a nice young girl and have a son to continue the show with his own “Half Man.”

Until that happens, be on the lookout for these three blended family shows from the Fall line-up:

1. The Disney channel has come out with Dog with a Blog this season, a show for the tweens about a blended family, but written from the family pet’s perspective. A family adopts a dog named Stan in the hope that two feuding stepsiblings will bond over the pet. It works when the siblings soon find out that that the dog can talk and write. The Disney premiere will be Friday night, October 12th.
2. Ben and Kate is a new network comedy, and it follows a pair of odd-couple siblings and their friends as they push each other out of their comfort zones and into real life. What happens when an optimistic dreamer moves in with his overly responsible little sister to help raise her five-year-old daughter?  It’s not a stepfamily, but it is representational of the alternative family dynamic that seems to be replacing the traditional nuclear family in our culture today. This show begins Tuesday, September 25th at 8:30/7:30c on Fox.
3. First aired in 2009, ABC will continue to air Modern Family on September 25th. Done in "mockumentary" style, Modern Family revolves around three families that are related through Jay Pritchett (Ed O'Neill) and his family. Jay, the patriarch of the family, has recently remarried a woman who has a son. Jay's daughter has a husband and three children. Jay's son and his life partner have adopted a Vietnamese baby. This blended family has it all: stepchildren, adopted children, second marriages, and a gay couple. This season promises to be every bit as award-winning as last.

Now stop and try to think of any current shows that have traditional families… can you think of any?

In the comments section below, let us know your thoughts on families as they’re represented on television, and what your favorite was or currently is.

The 5 Best Ways Parents Can Help Their Daughter Cope with Divorce

By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls. Most studies report that girls tend to adjust better than boys immediately following divorce.

However, several experts, such as Judith Wallerstein, have written about a “Sleeper Effect” – a delayed reaction which can trigger negative emotions and wounded trust in early adult years.  As they venture out on their own and make decisions about love and commitment, daughters of divorce may feel pessimistic about love, choose partners who are all wrong for them, and become preoccupied with the fear that their relationships will not succeed.

On the whole, children crave stability, and a girl’s desire for authentic connection is strong. The failure of a marriage falls outside of a child’s day to day experience. When compared to their male counterparts, daughters of divorce are more sensitive to this disruption. Often, a girl may feel her parents’ divorce is due to what she perceives as some defect on her part.  When her family is broken, she feels broken.  As a result, it’s important for parents and stepparents to model good communication, problem-solving and conflict resolution skills.  This is ultimately for the good of any children involved.

As a parent, it’s crucial to recognize that intimate relationships may be hard for your daughter because she didn’t have a template of a healthy, intact marriage to follow. On the other hand, E.M. Hetherington, a leading authority on divorce, points out that a successful remarriage can counteract some of the negative impact of parental divorce. Keep in mind that a girl’s relationship with her father and stepfather can help her grow into adulthood with confidence in her ability to love and be loved, providing a counterbalance to any negative impact. 

In an effort to find out more about the unique vulnerabilities that girls face after parental divorce, my daughter Tracy and I interviewed 126 women raised in divided homes. Penny, a beautiful, out-going twenty-something woman, acknowledges she had a delayed reaction to her parents’ breakup: “As a young child, I was a people pleaser and didn’t react much to my dad leaving – but it hit me like a vengeance when I was in college – I got really angry at my dad and didn’t speak to him for a few years.” Consequently, Penny endured relationships rife with infidelity and emotional abuse, because she lacked awareness and a positive male role model.

How can you help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood and move forward with an optimistic view of love and marriage? The following strategies can help your daughter cope:

• Help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood by creating a safe atmosphere for her to grieve and discuss her feelings.
• Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse as this will only promote loyalty conflicts and make it more difficult for her to heal.
• Be sensitive to the fact that your divorce can have a negative impact on your daughter’s self-esteem – find ways to encourage her to build self-worth.
• Attempt to help your daughter repair any father-daughter wounds.
• Don’t let cynicism, sadness, or anger get in the way of your daughter’s future. If you have negative views of relationships don’t pass them to her. 

In closing, while daughters of divorce possess unique vulnerabilities, they are also armed with signature strengths such as resilience and self-reliance. With greater awareness, they can learn to recognize the forces that shape them and build healthy relationships. Experiencing divorce as children can make women more careful about whom they choose for partners as adults. Daughters of divorce understand the fragility of love, but maintain a respect for its sacred place in their lives.   

Bio- Terry Gaspard is a licensed clinical social worker, college instructor, and non-fiction writer, specializing in divorce, women’s issues, children, and families. She wrote Love We Can Be Sure Of: How Daughters of Divorce Can Build Love, Trust, and Intimacy with her daughter Tracy Clifford based on their research findings. They are both daughters of divorce and Terry has been happily remarried for 15 years. Their book inspired www.movingpastdivorce.com as a way for adults to move past divorce to a place of greater happiness and peace. They offer a bi-weekly enewsletter, blogs, and other resources to promote healing and successful relationships. 

Mrs. Delaware Brings National Exposure to Blended Families

Dr. Francine Tolliver Edwards won the 2012 Mrs. Delaware United States Pageant held on May 12, and will represent Delaware at the 26th annual Mrs. United States Pageant in Las Vegas, July 12^th. She also wishes to represent blended families.

Dr. Edwards lives in Delaware with her husband of seven years, Micah and four children, Jordan (son-13), Madison (son-11), Tyler (daughter-6) and Joshua (son-2).  Mrs. Delaware describes her home life as a “six-ring circus:” all six of them do their own thing. In a candid interview, Francine Edwards shared some of her personal experiences, issues, and advice about dealing with the changes in family dynamics which are part and parcel with the blending of families.

Here is a woman who seems able to juggle life with many balls in the air. She began her career in the television industry in 1989 and anchored at BET for 11 years, managed public affairs for the D.C. Department of Health and later, NASA. She is now an Associate Professor at Delaware State University. Most recently, Dr. Edwards published her first romance novel, The Design of Love (written while she was completing her doctorate). In her spare time she enjoys skiing, competing in pageants, reading, writing, and most importantly, spending time with family.

Statistics show that one in three children is a product of a blended family. When kids go back and forth between two households, there’s an adjustment period. Dr. Edwards believes that giving teachers the insight to understand what those kids are going through, and giving them some tools to help those kids cope, is important. She hopes to start by working with her own children’s school administration. Her goal is for teachers and parents to be offered training courses so children may have support at home, in school and in the community.

In her own home, there is much running, chasing, joking, trying to get meals, and readying for school. Somehow it all comes together and everyone gets to where they need to be. Amazingly, out of the 3 kids that have to go to school during the regular school year, only one was late (once)—and that was on the last day of school. They were so busy playing around that they missed the bus. In the evenings it’s a bit calmer with school work and extracurricular activities. Still, they make it a point to sit down and eat dinner together every day. It takes some creative time management for Mom to get it all done.

“I have to really prioritize, which actually means taking care of me first. That includes my physical and mental health, ‘scheduling’ in fun for me, and knowing when to take a break from it all. I get most of my academic work done after everyone in my house goes to bed (I can get my best academic/scholarly work done between 12:00 a.m. – 3:00 a.m.). That’s probably my biggest secret! No one knows I’m up and I can get back in the bed around 3:30 and sleep until 7 or so and be fresh for the next day.”

Clearly, on top of it all, this Associate Professor is also quite the clever Mom.

Mr. Edwards has joint custody and residency of the oldest son, Jordan, who spends alternate weeks with each family. The 2nd oldest son, Madison, is with the Edwards permanently, which has recently raised questions with Tyler, their six-year-old daughter. She has been asking why Madison doesn’t go to see his other mom too. It took some thinking to formulate an answer that a 6-year old could understand. Dr. Edwards explained to Tyler, “Sometimes children have to be with the parent that can give them the best home and life and Daddy was the one to do that.” She stressed to her daughter that Madison’s mother loves him, but just can’t give him a home, school support, or help him with homework and basketball like Dad can.

Issues will arise between sets of parents in regard to basic rules such as curfews, chores, and bedtimes. For the stepparent, it is important to ‘stand by your man’ in the presence of others, and to voice your concerns in private. Be sure to involve the child in the decision but not the conflict. Differences will exist and face-to-face communication between the parents should be encouraged. Just don’t forget that the goal is for the betterment of the child.

“One strategy that didn’t work was having direct contact with the biological mothers! Whew, what a lesson learned here. I thought that once married I had a huge say in everything and that I had a right to voice my opinion, but it only made the tension worse. I was enlightened by my sister and aunt after sharing a story with them about a horrific argument I had with one of the mothers. They both set me straight immediately! They let me know that I shouldn’t be taking on the burden of defending my husband to them, arguing with them about menial things or answering the phone just so I can ‘talk down’ to them in my not-so-cordial greeting. My aunt, being a divorced mother, told me that she made it a point after her husband remarried, not to have any contact with his wife because she knew it would do nothing but cause stress. She said that her relationship with her children’s father and the children has always been better because of that.”

The majority of extended family has been good about trying to keep bruised feelings and egos out of the children’s lives. When there are exceptions, Dr. Edwards feels it is important to hold back the retorts, turn the other cheek, and not to respond negatively when disrespectful comments are presented. Not all grown-ups can keep personal feelings out of the way. For the children, Dr. Edwards feels we need to try our best to be adults.

“I did experience some distance when my oldest stepson turned about 10 or so because at that point he was privy to some negative things his mother had to say about me and my husband. He began to distance himself. I also took a step back because I saw behavior towards me that I didn’t like and I refused to bow down to a child. For example, he wouldn’t speak to me or even interact with me in our home. For a point, I would try to reach out to him, but then I gave up and played the game right along with him. After a while my husband did intervene, which I thought was appropriate. But like I said, I wasn’t going to suck up to him, try to carry on fake conversations or create these insincere family moments with him, because I knew he didn’t want that from me.

We see there is still a stigma attached to being a stepparent. Despite the growing number of blended families, there is something awkward in terms of the relational issues that stepparent’s face that can’t truly be understood unless you are walking in those shoes. Sometimes I can talk or explain my feelings until I’m blue in the face but my own husband still doesn’t understand how I feel. Overcoming some of the challenges, however, can be eased by keeping the lines of communication open and being as transparent as possible.”

Probably the most valuable advice Dr. Edwards wishes to impart is that you absolutely cannot be a part of a stepparent pity party! You have to be proactive and take on the task of being a stepparent as a full-blown educational process. The people who will bad-mouth the biological parents with you and feed negative thoughts to you about your own step children are nothing but energy vampires. You need to be surrounded by stepparents who have overcome obstacles and are willing to share the tools and secrets of success with you.

Mrs. Delaware is attempting to spotlight issues of blended families and step-parenting in the National forum of this month’s Mrs. United States Pageant. On behalf of stepfamilies, we wish her well.