Tips for Positively Involving Your Blended Family

By Vicki Harvey, Realtor

You’ve taken the proverbial plunge—and it’s not your first time: you have two families that will now become one.

And this may be the time to seriously consider buying a new home.

Moving two families into a new home can be expensive, but it can be worth the expense if it creates a more harmonious living situation for all.  A new home can mean no one will feel like an outsider because no territories have been pre-established, and everyone gets a fresh start. 

While this may sound like a happy ending, moving can still be stressful for everyone.  By making the process inclusive and fun, you will be more likely to gain emotional buy-in to the whole idea of moving. Here are three tips for lessening the stress:

Tip 1: Wave the Magic Wand

Wave the magic wand and find out from each family member what the most important thing is—if they could have what they want—in a new home.  Each person can only pick one “must have” thing, but this one thing will be quite telling of what’s most important to each family member. 

Regardless of what it is, parents will get a feel for something each kid can control, such as having a pink room, a new video game system, or their own computer work space.  If these wishes can be incorporated into your new space in any possible way, the kids will be excited about the move rather than dreading it.         

Tip 2: Pick a Song     

Have everyone vote on a theme song for your family and play it just before going house hunting.  Make sure the song is catchy and play it loud just before heading out.  Do your best to sing along and really rock out. 

On moving day, use that same song again as you pull up to the new home.  This will create a great memory of the experience.  Every time that song is played, a stronger bond will form as family members anticipate the coming events of the day. 

Also, every time that song is played after the move, the song will be tied to the memory of moving.  It will be a natural link that will create positive emotions around the move. 

Tip 3: Clip It In

Purchase a clipboard for every child that will be involved in the home search.  Clip in a mix of blank paper and lined paper and bring along an assortment of colorful pens, pencils and flair markers. 

Have kids make pro and con lists as they tour each home or draw a picture of a unique feature of the home or the same feature in every home.  This will occupy kids and provide interesting review items at the end of the day’s tour.  It will help you differentiate what you’ve seen, and the kids will be proud to offer this input.

The key is to prepare children for what lies ahead, and these tips can help make that journey easier and less stressful for any kids that are on the move into blended family life.

About the Guest Author: Vicki Harvey of Columbia, Maryland is with Long & Foster Real Estate and loves to help blended families find their perfect new home. Vicki understands that a new home is the perfect opportunity to bring everyone together in a special space for the new family that is being born. She also loves to educate homeowners about maintenance and updates to ensure that the family continues to love their new space over the years! Questions, comments: .

3 Tips for Maintaining Harmony in your Blended Family

Parents struggle to enforce house rules with their own children. Add stepchildren to the mix, and suddenly it feels as if you’re herding cats.

Stepchildren and biological children may try to play both households where they reside against the other. It’s similar to the theme of “But Johnny’s parents let him stay up until 3 in the morning playing Halo 3.”

Only in a blended family household, adults will hear, “But Mom lets me do that at her house” and “Dad never makes me do that.”

A child’s goal? To get their way or get out of doing something unpleasant such as cleaning, of course.

And the result for the adults?

Often, parents and stepparents will feel guilt and question themselves: Am I too harsh? Am I being too rigid?

Or, you may feel defensive about being painted in a negative light against the “other parent” and respond with anger with “My house, my rules!”

House rules are created for multiple reasons: for the good of all family members and residents visiting or living under your roof, for harmony, and for everyone to know what the adults’ expectations are for how they want their home to run.

What is done or not done at the child’s other home is similar to what’s done or not done at Little Johnny’s home: it has no bearing on how you elect to do things in your home.

So how do you enforce your house rules without feeling tyrannical, guilty, or otherwise just plain mean?

Here are 3 house-rule enforcement tips you can start using today:

1)    Clearly Communicate the Rules

One of the best ways to communicate house rules is to write them down and post them prominently, maybe on the door of the refrigerator. This way, no one in the household can take any one rule “personally;” they’re the same for everyone.

Often, kids may bristle at being called out for their behavior, such as watching too much TV. They can feel singled out and become defensive, and that’s when they look for a way to deflect what they’re taking as a personal criticism by saying, “But Dad always lets me…”

Clearly communicated rules that are posted gives everyone the option to follow the rules on their own, just like everyone else. If they disobey the rules, they have made a choice, and then your fallback can be, “The rules are clear and are the same for everyone.” While they may still find the rules unfair, mean, etc., they also will have to take responsibility for their choice.

2)    Call a Family Meeting to Explain the Reasoning Behind the Rules

Often, kids really don’t know why a rule is a rule in the first place. After all, what’s the harm in staying up until 3 a.m. playing Halo 3?

Because you have an adult’s perspective and life experience, you know that adequate sleep is needed, too much gaming isn’t healthy, etc. When posting your rules, you can go over each one and explain the reason this has become a rule. Kids are sharp and they catch on—especially when they have reasonable explanations to work with.

3)    Maintain Consistency in Rule Enforcement

When you establish a house rule, make sure it’s something that holds true for everyone. Or else, be clear for whom the rule does not apply and why.

For example, if you stay up until 3 a.m. playing Halo 3, don’t think one of the kids won’t bring it up as “But you get to do it!” So if this is a rule for the 16 and under crowd, state it clearly, and why it is just for them.

One caveat for having rules not applying to some household members: if your biological children are in the house along with your stepchildren, be careful not to have two sets of rules that are divided by parentage. Maybe at your ex’s home, your kids are allowed to do something. If that influences what you do, then it has to be either a rule for all or not a rule at all. Otherwise, it creates resentment and bad feelings which does not lend itself to a harmonious home.

Let us know…

How do you enforce house rules?

Do you struggle with enforcement? If so, how and why?

What is the most common complaint about house rules that you hear from your kids and stepkids?

Remarried Couples Need to Make Frequent Use of THIS

You’re the proud co-parent of a blended family. Do you find yourself asking where the rewards are?

Not every day is a headache. Like any child-rearing experience, whether it’s for biological, adopted or blended, it’s all the same: some days are good, others you wonder why you ever got out of bed.

Raising kids is stressful, and anyone with a child or stepchild can relate to that.

When you blend a family, the challenges can be even greater. Different rules, different ways of doing things, and emotional ups and downs can all lead to the perfect environment for clashes.

And the remarried couple in all of this? They often find themselves running just to keep up, let alone find balance and time for themselves.

But it’s imperative that remarried couples make time for each other in all of this—something that all parents struggle with. But considering that divorce rates are higher for second marriages, it would seem all the more reason for taking time to nurture your relationship.

After all, a blended family does present unique challenges in that, often, there are also ex-spouses that may or may not be supportive of your new union, and this can add another layer of stress onto a situation that already has the makings for a fine drama.

So what’s the remarried couple to do to alleviate some of their stress?

Make use of this stress-reducing strategy: have frequent date nights.

Just because you get remarried doesn’t mean you both needed to put away your party clothes and dancing shoes. Think of couples when they’re dating: they spend time together, usually alone, doing activities and getting to know each other.

In addition, they are forging a bond through the sharing of experiences, which serves to pull them closer together.

Remarrieds need to remember to continue that tradition. One of the things that often drives married couples apart, whether first-time or remarried, is they simply grow apart. Growing apart happens when you don’t invest the time in each other and get caught up with just trying to keep the family going.

You don’t have to do extravagant dates. It could be as simple as picking one activity to do each week as a couple, whether that’s taking a long walk together or meeting up midday for a coffee date. 

Before you step away from this article, call your significant other right now and ask them out on a date—for this week. Tell them it’s your new stress-relieving strategy.

Let us know…

On a scale of 1 to 10, how stressful would you rate having a blended family to be, with 1 being no stress and 10 more stress than the President has on his hands?

As a remarried person, do you feel that dating is important for your relationship to thrive?

And Sneaky Educational Opportunities…

Fall is officially here and it is time for rollicking good, outdoors-based family fun. The temperatures are mostly cooperative, the kids are back in school, and weekends can often take on a more relaxed feel than those of the summer.

One of the more fun ways to spend fall weekends is by attending one of the many Fall Festivals that are offered in towns large and small. These mostly family-friendly events provide the opportunity to get outside on a crisp day, walk around, eat, spend time together—and potentially sneak in some education disguised as fun.

Types of festivals include:

1-    Arts and crafts

2-    Music

3-    Foliage

4-    Seasonal food-based

5-    Ethnic

6-    Historic

Most festivals combine elements of all of these, providing entertainment on multiple levels. Arts and crafts vendors often set up alongside food vendors in a variety of these themed festivals. Some festivals can have juried arts and crafts with vendors competing for prizes, while others offer seasonal wreaths and other items for the home or for gift-giving season.

Ethnic festivals are usually themed around a particular culture. For example, Oktoberfests are popular and a way to expose kids and adults to German culture. Family members can learn traditional folk dances while listening to traditional German folk music—something you would never normally get a child to put on their iPhones. It’s also an opportunity to try foods that you may not usually have at home, including a variety of sausages, potato salad and desserts.

You can find ethnic festivals for any ethnicity and immerse yourself in another culture for a day. The kids will be so entertained, they won’t realize they are learning something on their “day off.”

Music festivals are popular, because the nice weather makes sitting still more enjoyable than during the more humid months. Bluegrass, jazz and blues festivals are popular, and of course there are always food vendors ready to serve.

Food and harvest festivals include celebrations of pumpkins, blueberries, apples—anything that is edible and harvested in the fall. These are often combined with traditional family activities such as picking pumpkins, picking apples, hayrides and mazes.

Festivals provide the perfect opportunity for blended families and stepfamilies to bond over a shared activity, fun and food. Also, many are offered all weekend long, so any football fans in the house surely can’t object to at least one afternoon outing.

Let us know:

What is your favorite festival, and why?

Have you had a good stepfamily bonding experience through attendance of a festival?

Learn the Rules and Plan Early

Finding a way to pay for your children's college education is a challenge for most families whether it’s a "traditional" two-parent household, a single parent household or a household with a blended family.

There are unique opportunities and challenges facing blended families, which we will go over in a minute. First, remember these three things that apply to all families:

1) College expense planning must always be considered in the context of overall family financial planning. College can be very expensive. Families have debts to pay, savings’ needs, and everyday expenses, and few have enough money to do everything all at the same time. Work the numbers and decide how much you can afford.

2) Parental needs should always trump college funding needs. There are many ways to pay for college but the only way most people can pay for retirement is to save, save, save.

3) Debt for college funding should be minimized if not eliminated all together.

2 Main Types of Financial Aid

There are two types of formal financial aid. There is Federal financial aid, which can come in the form of grants and subsidized loans. Other financial aid may be available through the college itself in the form of grants, loans, and scholarships, and is called "Institutional" financial aid.

Filling out the free application for Federal Student Aid or FAFSA form gets the financial aid process started. This form is available from the Department of Education and it must be filed annually with the school where the student intends to enroll. Each school and state has its own filing deadline so be sure to submit your form on time. It is always a good idea to submit it as soon as possible after January 1st of each year because many needs-based grants are offered on a first come, first served basis

Blended Family Considerations for Financial Aid

There are rules and formulas that apply to federal financial aid and this is where it gets interesting for blended families.

One of the elements that determine how much aid your student will get is the EFC (Expected Family Contribution). The EFC is calculated in accordance with the parents’ and student’s income and resources. Generally, students qualify for more aid as the EFC goes lower. The key to determining parental income and resources for children of divorced parents is with whom the child spent the most time during the previous twelve months. It does not matter who pays child support or who gets to take the child as a tax deduction. What matters is where the child lived. Let’s look at an example:

Mom and Dad divorce. They have one child who lives with Mom. Dad pays child support and has weekend custody. Whether by decree or agreement, Dad’s going to pay for college costs. Dad is a relatively low-earning teacher who remarries a divorced waitress with three children of her own who live with her. Her former husband is in prison. Mom remarries the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, a self-made multi-millionaire who has never been married and thinks children should pay their own way through school like he did.  Dad applies for financial aid thinking this is going to be a slam dunk because let’s  face it, he’s broke. Imagine his surprise when his child qualifies for no federal aid because the household in which the child lives is filthy rich!

In this example, Dad would be smart to have his child apply for “Institutional” aid through the college. On the surface, the child would not qualify, but most institutions have an appeal process where a respectful and well-worded letter may provide some relief.

How could this have been avoided? Actually, it would have been pretty easy. The child was already spending 104 days a year with Dad. Just 79 more and Dad’s household would be the household of record.

There are other blended family issues as well. For example, let’s assume that the child lives with Dad but Mom’s new husband wants to help pay for school. Will this cause the child to be turned down for aid? No, but stepdad’s money “gift” needs to be reported as the child’s asset, making the child richer and reducing the need for aid.   

The point is, you need to know the rules and you need to make a plan long before it becomes a crisis. Most parents, divorced or not, want to do what’s best for their children and like all money issues, communication is the key. 

Frank Boucher, CEBS, CFP® is the owner of Boucher Financial Planning Services in Reston, Virginia.  

What Does the Fall Line-up Have Lined Up for Blended Families?

When you think of television shows featuring traditional families, you may think back to the old Leave it to Beaver episodes or even The Addams Family.

What do you think of when you hear “blended family television shows?” You may not be as quick to respond, but actually, blended families have had a fair amount of representation in the world of television.

Although not the first blended family to be shown on television (Make Room for Daddy and Bonanza both featured stepfamilies), The Brady Bunch was aired by ABC from 1969 to 1974 during a time when divorce and remarriage were on the rise in the United States. The first season was especially centered on the six children who were learning how to live together and operate as a family unit. Of all the family drama they did have, they never seemed to have to deal with the absent parents’ families. There were no extenuating blended-family dramas such as Grandparents-in-law carting just their three biological grandkids off for special occasions or other awkward situations.

For nearly a decade we’ve had Two and a Half Men, aired by CBS since 2003, and faithful viewers have watched as Jake, the “Half” portion of the title, grew up and the comedy ensue as he was swapped back and forth between his parents’ homes. Now his uncle Charlie is gone and Jake has left the paternal nest to join the Army. Is this a spin-off possibility? Perhaps Jake will meet a nice young girl and have a son to continue the show with his own “Half Man.”

Until that happens, be on the lookout for these three blended family shows from the Fall line-up:

1. The Disney channel has come out with Dog with a Blog this season, a show for the tweens about a blended family, but written from the family pet’s perspective. A family adopts a dog named Stan in the hope that two feuding stepsiblings will bond over the pet. It works when the siblings soon find out that that the dog can talk and write. The Disney premiere will be Friday night, October 12th.
2. Ben and Kate is a new network comedy, and it follows a pair of odd-couple siblings and their friends as they push each other out of their comfort zones and into real life. What happens when an optimistic dreamer moves in with his overly responsible little sister to help raise her five-year-old daughter?  It’s not a stepfamily, but it is representational of the alternative family dynamic that seems to be replacing the traditional nuclear family in our culture today. This show begins Tuesday, September 25th at 8:30/7:30c on Fox.
3. First aired in 2009, ABC will continue to air Modern Family on September 25th. Done in "mockumentary" style, Modern Family revolves around three families that are related through Jay Pritchett (Ed O'Neill) and his family. Jay, the patriarch of the family, has recently remarried a woman who has a son. Jay's daughter has a husband and three children. Jay's son and his life partner have adopted a Vietnamese baby. This blended family has it all: stepchildren, adopted children, second marriages, and a gay couple. This season promises to be every bit as award-winning as last.

Now stop and try to think of any current shows that have traditional families… can you think of any?

In the comments section below, let us know your thoughts on families as they’re represented on television, and what your favorite was or currently is.

IndyCar Driver Ed Carpenter Shares His Spin on Step- and Traditional Families 

Ed Carpenter counts himself a lucky man. Not only does he get to do something he loves that’s both a hobby and his job—something he considers a “luxury” to be able to do—but he also gets to include his family.

Ed is an IndyCar Driver—his team’s car is number 20. Ed took time out of his busy preparations for the Grand Prix happening in Baltimore over Labor Day weekend to share his thoughts with RemarriageWorks.com on stepfamilies and traditional families.

“It’s different in other sports, but in racing, family can come along,” says Ed. Not that he gets to see them a lot while he’s working, but he and his wife Heather take comfort in the knowledge that their kids are seeing the country and learning new things while still being together as much as possible.

Other than balancing work and family life, Ed has a new challenge: his daughter Makenna’s newly budding social calendar. For Makenna, who turns five in October, sometimes a friend’s birthday party presents a conflict. Ed and Heather try to balance those types of activities with spending as much time together as possible while Ed is on the road traveling, which he does from March until generally the end of October. (Luckily for the Carpenters, the race season ends the end of September this year.)

In addition to Makenna, there’s Ryder who just turned three, and a third baby on the way. The Carpenter family resides in Indianapolis, and they feel fortunate that during race season in the month of May, the races are based in Indianapolis.

Ed is also from a stepfamily, and he can only see the benefits that a stepfamily provided him. In fact, he’s no longer a stepson. The man he has called his stepfather since the age of eight has been going through the process of formally adopting him. That man is Indy Racing League founder Tony George and someone that Ed obviously looks up to and greatly respects.

Ed credits his stepfather for how he handled entering the blended family dynamic as a stepfather and the mindset he brought. Ed has this advice for anyone considering remarriage: “What made it great was, my last name was different, but I never felt different. My advice is don’t do it unless you’re willing to care for a child who is not your own.”

When Ed’s mom remarried, Ed got a stepbrother, and later, a sister came along. He considered his mother’s remarriage a good thing for him, providing him with what he feels was a more normal environment.

For kids transitioning into a blended family, he offers this advice: “Respect your parents. Have faith in them, that they’ll make decisions that are good for your well-being.”

As for the family-friendly Grand Prix, Ed says that with a street race, there is always something going on, both off-track and on. “There’s a car on the track all the time.” It’s a chance for a family to have a fun outing and spend time together, getting caught up in the thrill of the event.

This is Ed’s first year owning his own team in association with Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka. We wish Ed and his team the best of luck in this year’s IndyCar Series. And, best wishes to Ed and his wife in their efforts to cultivate a close family environment that surmount the challenges of a traveling athlete. 

Healthy Communication in a Blended Family

Define Your Communication Style Mix

Communicating well is a challenge for all of us, but it would seem as if a blended family would have even more challenges then most when it comes to communicating well.

Why is this?

Blending a family is more than just two people getting together who happen to have some kids. There are pre-existing family dynamics, personalities and differing communication skills that must now suddenly “blend.”

This blending can either be a harmonious occurrence, such as what you get when you blend together ingredients for a smoothie. Or, it can look like what happens when you leave the lid off of the blender: you are wiping the results off the walls and ceiling.

There are various levels of communication issues that can occur in a stepfamily. For one, children may feel torn between their natural parents—and not sure what to make of the new arrangement with the stepparent. Some will respond by being vocal, while others may hide how they’re feeling, fearful of rocking the boat. This becomes a communication issue, when either nothing is being communicated, or a child is lashing out as a means of expression.

Then, there is the parent and the stepparent and their way of communicating with kids. Maybe mom’s style of parenting has been to allow her child to debate every decision with her, while stepdad’s style is more “what I say goes.” This can cause a communication issue between the couple because of differing communication styles in the parental role.

Stepfamilies aren’t unique in having communication issues. They simply have a more unique situation than what is traditional. But think of traditional families: how many do you know that have perfect communication skills? There’s a reason many people dread the holidays—communication can either be the “special sauce” or the meal that goes down in flames.

Communication takes ongoing effort, and for a blended family, it needs to start from the top. If you are preparing for remarriage now, consider going to some form of pre-marital counseling so that you can learn more about what to expect after the “I do.” One thing that is beneficial to uncover are the expectations each of you has for how you will communicate with each other, with the kids, and what is acceptable and unacceptable when communicating.

If you’re already remarried, it’s not too late to have this discussion—and set some guidelines. It can be as simple as: “We as a family will always be open and honest with each other about what we are thinking and feeling, as long as we communicate it in a respectful tone.” Or, you and your partner may decide that how you have always communicated with your natural children is the way you will continue, and the stepparent will not interfere.

Communication works best when people take the time to actually sit down and discuss their thoughts and feelings on various topics and issues. And it’s more helpful to do so before there’s a major problem or blow-up. However, even a blow-up can become a learning experience when you work together to do better next time.

As a blended family, you are not at a disadvantage when it comes to communication. In fact, blending those different styles may make you a stronger unit, as you learn to navigate different ways of communicating with people who have a different style than you—a skill that will extend into the world at large.

Does your blended family have any communication issues with which you’re currently struggling, or have in the past?

If so, what have you tried to do in order to resolve them? Has it worked?

New Stepdads and their Role in the Blended Family

A Candid Look at Expectations, Growth Pains and Success

By Craig Gaspard 

I’ll have to admit that when I became a stepfather, the day I married my wife Terry – in May of 1997 – I really had no idea what I was getting into. I was a stepfather (briefly) for three years in my first marriage. But, I was never a father before, and at the ripe “young” age of 42, I was thinking that I was somehow going to “get by” and become accepted, primarily because I had married their mother. I was in for an awakening, not “rude” mind you but eye-opening nonetheless.

In my mind, “get[ting] by” was being nice, not making waves or expecting too much of Sean, who had just turned 13, and Tracy who was soon going to be 11. But as the weeks turned into months, the challenges of the role became more apparent. Comments like “you’re not my father” served as challenges to any authority I tried to impose, even as innocently as “could you please put this [or that] away.”

For about three years, our newly formed family went through some growing pains that included having our own child Catherine, who, in the beginning, was seen as a threat to take away their mother’s attention.  Holidays, vacations and birthdays seemed to be about one-upmanship. But, even before those three years were up, some helpful changes occurred that helped.

Different from a biological parent, a major thrust of being a stepparent I’ve learned is to be a friend on some level. Not like a school friend, but an adult friend more akin to being a guidance counselor. Inviting my stepson not only to go on summer vacations, but to also share my love of fishing with him helped in the friendship process. It was more challenging to be a friend to my stepdaughter, a naturally shy person. But to attend some of her basketball games and supporting her need for one-on-one time with Terry helped with this. This takes time, years really.

Presenting a united front with Terry supporting my suggestions or requests (if reasonable) was helpful. This did require respect, caring and perhaps love. These latter two are “earned” from the point of view of the stepchild.  Caring and respect are especially important, cannot be rushed, and are granted over time. I think it must take time because as in most relations between unrelated people, trust has to be built. Even though Terry ‘s and my relationship and eventual marriage happened nearly three years after her divorce was finalized, that still is very soon in the eyes of children. Too soon to not be seen as a “competitor” with their father on some level.

Let me end by identifying some key points:

• Stepparents had best proceed slowly.
• Just because things went well when you were dating the biological parent, does not ensure things will go smoothly once you’re a committed couple.  A marriage effectively ends any hope of their mother and father reunifying and can reignite those feelings of loss for the children.
• Take your time in getting to know a stepchild. Rushing it may satisfy your own unmet needs to be liked. Sharing common interests, from sports and arts, can do nothing but help.
• As much as possible, stay out of interactions between biological parents working out holiday or vacation schedules. And especially, try to be courteous and respectful of the “other parent”, keeping in mind that (likely) neither parent would have chosen having their children live with them part-time.
• Cooperate with the biological parent living with you, and talk, talk, talk.

This article is a reprint of an article posted on Terry Gaspard’s blog on http://movingpastdivorce.com. The author, Craig Gaspard, LICSW, MPA, is a clinical social worker with over 20 years of experience, primarily in the substance abuse treatment and prevention fields. He has also worked in the affordable housing and homeless services and administered a family mediation program. He is beginning anew as a family and divorce mediator in Rhode Island.