How to Avoid Ex-Spouse’s Issues Becoming Remarriage Issue

You’re happily remarried—except you feel you’ve entered a bizarre love triangle: your spouse’s ex seems intent on destroying your happy union.

Remarriage is well-known for having its own special challenges. When you develop a relationship with someone who has formerly been married, that marriage represents a deeper bond than just someone your spouse dated. Extrication from the ex is difficult because first, finances and legal issues must be handled. And when there are children involved, extrication can’t be 100 percent.

Some ex-spouses have a hard time letting go, especially when they see their ex moving on and seemingly happy, and they themselves have not yet arrived at a happier phase in their life.

An ex-spouse’s frustration can come out in a variety of ways. If there was property held in common, this can be a source of contention and used as a battlefield. An ex-spouse may drag their feet on selling the property, which has implications on the finances of the newly remarried couple.

One of the most difficult areas, though, would be when children are pulled into the fray. There can be a tug-of-war between the ex-spouse and the new spouse, with the children the rope in the middle.

The result of an ex-spouse’s troublemaking, no matter what form it comes in, is that the newly remarried couple is focusing their attention on the wrong place: the ex-spouse. As a couple, you need time and attention given to your marriage—not constantly hashing it out over what the ex-spouse just did.

Let’s face it: this can put a serious damper on the joy and love that is rightfully your experience in your new marriage.

How should a remarried couple handle dealing with an ex-spouse bent on troublemaking? Here are 3 tips to help you get through:

Tip 1: Take a Different Viewpoint

It’s only natural to view any threat to your remarriage as the enemy, and that includes a troublesome ex-spouse.

The ex-spouse isn’t an enemy: they are a person who is struggling and hopefully, temporarily misguided. Their behavior, while troublesome, is evidence of their being emotionally troubled.

By looking at them in this light, it can lessen the amount of strain you are feeling. Also, if you have stepchildren, they no doubt sense the tension that’s there in their biological parents’ relationship, so your moderated feelings can provide a safe haven.

Tip 2: Appoint the Problem Manager

It’s natural for the remarried couple to want to join forces and treat this situation as “defeating a common enemy.” This is one time where the best way to work as a team is to work separate. If it’s your ex-spouse, then it is up to you to manage the issue. If it is your spouse’s ex, then they must manage the issue.

This helps get the confrontation out in the open and hopefully closer to resolution if the two most-involved parties are the ones going back and forth. Adding a person who wasn’t party to that marriage seems to only fuel the fire of contention, heightening already-heightened emotions of the ex. They may feel ganged up on, or get a little thrill at the thought of causing upset in their ex-spouse’s home.

Tip 3: Tend to Your Remarriage                                       

When you are not knee-deep in the issues between your spouse and their ex, you are able to concentrate on doing those things that build your remarriage, such as planning for fun times together.

Having fun together as a remarried couple is more challenging when you are both in knots over the latest “antics” of a troubled ex-spouse. By keeping some distance from the fray, you can provide a sympathetic ear to your spouse while also focusing your attention on providing a positive home environment that promotes enforcing the bonds of your relationship.

And when it comes to hoping for some light at the end of this particular tunnel, remember the saying, “This too, shall pass.” 

How to Approach Your Ex-Spouse for Extra Expenses

Uniforms, costumes for performances, dental bills, out-of-pocket medical expenses… how should divorced couples handle these extra expenses for their children?

Money is a tough issue for marrieds, and it often remains a battleground after the divorce—especially when kids are involved.

Divorce debt is one thing: those debts accrued during the marriage can be worked out in the divorce paperwork.

What we’re talking about are the extras that kids always require, whether it’s new shoes because their feet have outgrown their sneakers yet again, money for a school trip, or weekly spending money.

For the ex-spouse paying child support, they may feel that they are already doing everything they should that’s required of them legally. Child support goes to helping with the expenses related to raising a child—the same as if the biological parents were still together. 

Child support payments are determined through different means, but generally the incomes of both parents are taken into account as well as child care expenses.

But any parent with a school-age child knows, every time you turn around, there is money needed for something.

Parents who receive child support may be hesitant to approach their ex-spouse and ask for any additional money for things they feel are above and beyond child support payments.

On the internet, you can find calculators to help figure out how much it costs to raise a child to the age of 18. The USDA issued their newest figure this year for this measure: a child born in 2011 will cost $235,000 for middle-income parents to raise to age 18. Factors that affect the number include where you live in the country, food, clothing, health care and those ubiquitous “miscellaneous expenses.”

So if you are hesitant in approaching your ex-spouse to help out with some of those “above and beyond” expenses, keep that number in mind as you prepare to ask to split costs.

Here are 3 tips for approaching the subject with your ex-spouse:

1-    Keep track of monthly expenses.

There is a lot of resentment that can come about related to money when ex-spouses talk. Both parents may be struggling separately to stay on top of bills, or the parent paying the child support may feel their hardship is greater because they see that “chunk of money” coming out of their income each month.

It’s important that the parent who receives the child support payments keep track of child-related expenses. Keeping a record isn’t so you can play a game of tit for tat; rather, it is to show that there is a lot that goes into raising your beautiful children, beyond just food on the table and the roof over their head. You are doing your share, too, and the main goal is to provide the best you can—within both parents’ means—for your children.

2-    Ask your ex-spouse for a meeting.

Asking for money from an ex-spouse can be uncomfortable. Keep in mind that your goal is to provide the best you can with the means you have for your children. You can broach the subject with your ex-spouse with something like this: “I wanted to take a little time to discuss some things about the kids with you. Can you give me a half hour of your time this week?”

Then, when you talk, explain that you have been over your expenses, and you have a lot of additional expenses they may not be aware of. Share the record of what types of things you spend on. It’s recommended you don’t start the conversation with, “We need an extra $200 a month…” as this has no explanation attached to it yet and no doubt you will be met with defensiveness.

Take a diplomatic approach, where you are seeking a solution to a problem rather than allowing things to devolve into accusations and acrimony. Ask your ex-spouse if they are able to contribute some to these extras, or if there are extras they feel should be cut. Maybe this isn’t the year that Little Johnny can go out for football. Maybe braces will have to wait for Cindy.  

3-    Consider a mediator.

Some divorced people can’t even be in the same room together let alone have a civil conversation. But if you have children together, the kids come first—ahead of the hurt feelings and history.

Consider going to a mediator to work out any issues that you can’t work out together where the kids are concerned. A skilled mediator can help you reach a solution that benefits your kids—moving you past those emotional roadblocks that might otherwise stifle good solutions.

Let us know…

Have you been in the situation of asking your ex-spouse for help with the extras?

If so, what was their response?

Do you feel that there’s ever enough money each month to cover child-rearing expenses?

Former School Counselor Pat Bubash Shares Her Unique Perspective

RemarriageWorks spoke with Pat Bubash, author of Successful Second Marriages and a now retired school counselor, to get the inside scoop on stepfamilies from a school counselor’s experience. Pat offers her perspective and some great insight into the challenges of blending a family and how she witnessed first-hand the impact on kids. She also offers some advice on what to expect, and what it may be like from the kids’ perspective.

How does being in a stepfamily make life a little different for students?

That’s one of the reasons I wrote my book. I had an open-door policy in my office. If I didn’t have something scheduled, my door was open. You get a lot of insight when people can just come in as needed. A lot of conversations over the years were with parents or kids or even grandparents when there was a remarriage.

It’s a difficult transition. It’s even difficult when the kid likes the stepparent because the composition of family life becomes different then. If the stepparent has children and they come over, those living in the house have to learn to share – their room, their time. I think that’s one area that has a big impact on kids, and when they find they have to share time with their parent.

There are so many factors involved that make blended marriage so difficult. One of the stories in my book is about one couple who in five years’ time, separated four times. Not because they didn’t love each other, but there were four kids among them and they drove them nuts. The kids didn’t want their parents to be married again – they were quite fine with how things were. Now the kids have moved on, and the couple is very happy.

What would prompt a student to come to you?

An advocate, an ear. I’ve always told kids this: even if they’re coming in to complain about a parent, what was said to me was between us. If they came to say they’re really mad at mom or didn’t like their stepmom or stepdad, it was safe. If they came in and said they were going to hurt somebody – that was different. Kids knew they could come in and tell me whatever was on their mind. It was safe with me and they could trust me. Then, it’s like any of us: you get something off your chest, and then you can go back and deal with it. I felt I had more of a rapport because I knew what it was like from my own experience. I think it made the relationship between my students and myself a closer one.

What would prompt parents to come to you?

Well, thinking I could – again – listen to their frustration and anger. I’ll give you an example. There were two kids, they were really great kids, in elementary school, and their dad was single. He was a very good dad, very involved. He was a lawyer, successful, and they lived with him full time. He met a woman who was a school counselor for their district. He was smitten with her. He’d been so super-involved with his kids, but he now needed time to woo this woman, and the kids’ behavior really changed. They became more difficult, not so pleasant and challenging with him. He came to the office, the only time he came in there, and he said how much he was in love with this woman. I said, “You may be, but it doesn’t mean they are, and you were there first for them.” It didn’t mean the kids were on board.

He was so involved with his kids and there for them, and then trying to have a relationship with this woman – he wasn’t even thinking how it affected them. He thought because he was so happy, everyone should be so happy. Your kids were there first. I tell parents, you are maybe forgetting they have a parent: the person you’re divorced from. They may not be your spouse, but they’re still their parent.

If parents took time to build a friendship first, they had a better chance. I was never quiet about the fact that I was a divorced person, which gives some credibility to what you’re talking about. I think that’s such a big problem with people who want to remarry, and more than half of people who divorce want to remarry. When they find someone again they think “finally” and they want everyone to be happy with that person, too.

It’s different for kids: it’s not their biological parent, and now they have to share you and your time – and sometimes your finances. It’s a lot of being willing to share everything, and I find teenagers are most unhappy about this and they’re in their own world and don’t want to be involved with what’s going on with their parents. They feel the focus should be on them. Little kids are easier: you go out play ball with them, and spend time with them, and they’re young enough to build that rapport. For teenagers, as far as they’re concerned, it’s “my world is the most important world right now.”

We all want somebody, but the kids were there first. And when you put them first, it’s to the detriment of a new relationship. I guess it’s like the couple who separated all those times… if you can wait it out until those kids are out of the house, it’s probably an easier transition and might even be better. Otherwise, it could be a lot of stress on your life. It’s not an easy thing; couples need to talk to a counselor, share the family dynamics and its composition. Understand how kids feel about it rather than how the adults feel about it.

Why would a grandparent approach school counselor?

There are times, more often than not, when their child divorces, especially if it’s a daughter-in-law involved and they don’t get to see the children as much, or even at all. Women are like this more than men: they are so angry at that ex-spouse, they remove their kids from the grandparents. Unfortunately, the grandparents get caught in the middle of it all. I love my mother-in-law – she was the best. I allowed my kids to spend time with her and love her. But that’s not the majority: the animosity, hurt - it’s one way to get back at your spouse by keeping them from those grandparents. It’s hard to recall that these grandparents were part of the kids’ life and need to continue to be. And grandparents need to understand that they need to stay out of that disagreement going on: they have to be uninvolved with what’s going on with the couple. Even with their own kids, they should not take sides. My mother-in-law managed to pull that off, but I know she felt I was the better parent.

I imagine school work is affected. What is your advice to a couple about to blend their family?

They need to not expect their kids to be as in love with this person as they are. And when children are involved, make sure you have family dinners together, but continue to let the biological parent have time with their own kids. If they want to go somewhere with them, don’t think you automatically have to become this family and share. If they only see their kids on weekends, give them time to do something together because they don’t get a lot of time. They need that time with their parent. I really think that’s important.

Don’t expect right off the bat that everything has to be done altogether, that everything has to be shared. I think that’s where resentment really gets built up. For kids not living with their biological parent, they really need that time with their parent. It builds up animosity when it’s not honored. They think the stepparent gets to see their parent all the time, while they’re their child and they don’t, and think ‘how fair is that?’

And when changes are being made, the parents should let the school know. Teachers know when kids are acting different and acting up. They’d come to me and ask me “What’s going on?” If there are any changes in family composition, let the school counselor know: it’s what they’re there for. Counselors are there to help – a resource.

3 Tips for Coping with the Dual-Household Dilemma

“But, at my other house I get to…”

Is there a more dreaded argument from a child than the old comparison standby of how everyone else in the whole entire world does things and so we-should-too?

It’s one thing to hear how “all the other kids” do things in their homes, and quite another to have your house rules stacked up against those of the other custodial parent—especially with how homework is handled.

With kids back in school now, homework wars are common enough in any home, but the challenge for blended families are the possibly two different sets of rules governing how and when homework should be done.

Maybe in your home, you feel that homework should be done right after school, or early in the morning on weekends. But in your child’s other living space, the rules are lax and the approach is “when you get to it.”

This can be confusing for kids, who first of all want to find a way to put off the inevitable. Have you ever heard a child argue for doing homework sooner rather than later?

Regardless of how many days your child or stepchild lives under your roof, you have a right to set up rules governing what goes on there in the way you see fit.

Here are some tips for coping with the dual-household dilemma—and avoiding homework drama:

Tip #1: Talk with the other Parent

In a perfect world, there would be one set of rules for your child, no matter where they lay their head. But this isn’t always the case. You can try to talk to your ex-spouse or the biological parent to see if it’s possible to create one set of rules. If not, it’s not worth getting upset over—and at least you know what you have to work with.

Tip #2: Your Rules are the Rules

If the rules are different under the two different roofs, any kid worth their salt will try the comparison trick if the other rules favor the put-it-off approach—it’s their birthright. That’s okay: it’s kids being kids. But, your house, your rules, and you aren’t obligated to do things the exact same way as the other household. Explain that you can appreciate how different people do things differently, but in your home, this is how it’s done.

Tip #3: Allow Child Input

Coming on the heels of that last tip, you can help the child feel some sense of control or at least have a say in rule-making by asking for their input on some aspect of the homework rule. For example, with younger children, you can state what the homework rules are, but they get to choose whether they have a snack before, during or after a homework session. For older kids, they could be given a choice of where to do their homework: in their room, at the dining room table, or some other designated space.

Negotiations are part of the family experience, regardless of the family being traditional or blended. The art of firmness with some degree of compromise works well in any situation. 

The 5 Best Ways Parents Can Help Their Daughter Cope with Divorce

By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls. Most studies report that girls tend to adjust better than boys immediately following divorce.

However, several experts, such as Judith Wallerstein, have written about a “Sleeper Effect” – a delayed reaction which can trigger negative emotions and wounded trust in early adult years.  As they venture out on their own and make decisions about love and commitment, daughters of divorce may feel pessimistic about love, choose partners who are all wrong for them, and become preoccupied with the fear that their relationships will not succeed.

On the whole, children crave stability, and a girl’s desire for authentic connection is strong. The failure of a marriage falls outside of a child’s day to day experience. When compared to their male counterparts, daughters of divorce are more sensitive to this disruption. Often, a girl may feel her parents’ divorce is due to what she perceives as some defect on her part.  When her family is broken, she feels broken.  As a result, it’s important for parents and stepparents to model good communication, problem-solving and conflict resolution skills.  This is ultimately for the good of any children involved.

As a parent, it’s crucial to recognize that intimate relationships may be hard for your daughter because she didn’t have a template of a healthy, intact marriage to follow. On the other hand, E.M. Hetherington, a leading authority on divorce, points out that a successful remarriage can counteract some of the negative impact of parental divorce. Keep in mind that a girl’s relationship with her father and stepfather can help her grow into adulthood with confidence in her ability to love and be loved, providing a counterbalance to any negative impact. 

In an effort to find out more about the unique vulnerabilities that girls face after parental divorce, my daughter Tracy and I interviewed 126 women raised in divided homes. Penny, a beautiful, out-going twenty-something woman, acknowledges she had a delayed reaction to her parents’ breakup: “As a young child, I was a people pleaser and didn’t react much to my dad leaving – but it hit me like a vengeance when I was in college – I got really angry at my dad and didn’t speak to him for a few years.” Consequently, Penny endured relationships rife with infidelity and emotional abuse, because she lacked awareness and a positive male role model.

How can you help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood and move forward with an optimistic view of love and marriage? The following strategies can help your daughter cope:

• Help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood by creating a safe atmosphere for her to grieve and discuss her feelings.
• Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse as this will only promote loyalty conflicts and make it more difficult for her to heal.
• Be sensitive to the fact that your divorce can have a negative impact on your daughter’s self-esteem – find ways to encourage her to build self-worth.
• Attempt to help your daughter repair any father-daughter wounds.
• Don’t let cynicism, sadness, or anger get in the way of your daughter’s future. If you have negative views of relationships don’t pass them to her. 

In closing, while daughters of divorce possess unique vulnerabilities, they are also armed with signature strengths such as resilience and self-reliance. With greater awareness, they can learn to recognize the forces that shape them and build healthy relationships. Experiencing divorce as children can make women more careful about whom they choose for partners as adults. Daughters of divorce understand the fragility of love, but maintain a respect for its sacred place in their lives.   

Bio- Terry Gaspard is a licensed clinical social worker, college instructor, and non-fiction writer, specializing in divorce, women’s issues, children, and families. She wrote Love We Can Be Sure Of: How Daughters of Divorce Can Build Love, Trust, and Intimacy with her daughter Tracy Clifford based on their research findings. They are both daughters of divorce and Terry has been happily remarried for 15 years. Their book inspired www.movingpastdivorce.com as a way for adults to move past divorce to a place of greater happiness and peace. They offer a bi-weekly enewsletter, blogs, and other resources to promote healing and successful relationships.