...or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? The only way to trim holiday angst is to make new traditions and keep some old.

By Elizabeth Einstein

(This article is re-printed from reMarriage magazine, Fall 08.)

Shortly after the long-needled spruce went up in the family room, the trouble began. The holiday tree was anchored in its stand, but stood bare for several days. Opinions on decorating styles, it seemed, were anchored as well, along traditional family lines. As the arguments swirled over tree decorations, they spilled over into what was the perfect time to open gifts: Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

What a start to this stepfamily’s first Christmas together! Robert and Liz had married in late fall, and now, just weeks after settling into a new house, the holidays were upon them. He was widowed with four children under 12; she was divorced with two teenage daughters. Although everyone seemed excited about the new family they were building, the stress created from so many changes was mounting.

Now they were staring straight at their differences, about how holidays were to be celebrated—and especially how a decorated tree was supposed to look. In a Solomon-like moment, the family decided to divide the tree into two sections, with each group doing their “traditional” things.

That first stepfamily holiday decision became a family legend that still elicits laughter every time they tell it. Over the years, as they began to feel more like a family, all the members made a commitment to compromise. Rather than a his and hers concoction, this stepfamily created their first ours tree—complete with all the sentimental items and new acquisitions.

Because Robert’s older two children remained tied to stringing popcorn and cranberries and his younger ones insisted on making colorful paper chains as they always had, those old-fashioned decorations festooned their side, Liz and her daughters wouldn’t hear of not using the beautiful ornaments they had collected from their travels. Each shiny globe evoked happy memories for them. And a new tradition emerged: selecting that one special ornament during a family vacation. Because the children had to negotiate which one to buy, their compromises reflected forward steps on their stepfamily journey.

Skirting Holiday Landmines

Memories and traditions are important to all families, but when holidays arrive, remarried families start with several strikes against them. Roots are fragile. Happy memories are fading. Stepfamily members share no common history. Individual traditions may differ vastly and people cling to them for what they represent; giving them up feels like yet another loss. The most important thing is to meet them head on. Acknowledge up front that things are going to be different.

Robert and Liz’s tale is repeated in remarried families everywhere; only the scenarios differ. Add a multi-ethnic remarriage and the learning curve grows. Aunt Nina always expects to have the first night of Hanukkah. Are the stockings hung or laid on the hearth? Where will the Kwanzaa celebration happen? Will Mom let us borrow the unity up (Kikombe cha Umoja) or should we get a new one? Whether adopting a new appreciation for the traditional African celebration of values or celebrating a totally new holiday, each scenario asks the question: What will our new stepfamily values be?

• The holiday itself. Christmas or Hanukkah? Kwanzaa or Christmas? Both?

• The Christmas tree. Live or artificial? Cut down, buy one to plant after the holiday, or return to a favorite corner stand?

• Decorations. New modern menorah or family heirloom? Handmade tablecloth from your grandmom or mine?

• Dress. Dressy or casual?

• Food. “What do you mean we’re having turkey? My mom always makes ham decorated with cherries!”

• Gift and gift-giving. One special expensive item or many smaller gifts? Give to each other or to charity? When do presents get opened? Robert’s younger children always awoke to presents in the morning after Santa’s delivery; Liz’s daughters liked a Christmas Eve ritual so they could sleep in late. Their compromise was opening packages that the mail carrier had delivered in the evening, with Santa’s and the rest on Christmas morning.

Solutions and compromises are there, but working out differences takes advance planning and time. Waiting to open boxes of “his” and “hers” ornaments until it’s time to trim the tree is courting trouble.

Long before the holidays arrive, begin talking about how things were done in former families—and why. “We always used that menorah because it once belonged to our great grandmother in Germany.” Perhaps the decision to get the dreaded artificial tree makes sense when the other side understands it as a green statement—“to save real trees.” Discussions about the emotions behind a tradition can start family members thinking about creative compromises. Sharing traditions, including the ones that still hold warm memories, motivates family members to become more sensitive to each others’ ways and needs. There is no “right” or “wrong,” just raw emotions and long-held beliefs. When it comes to traditions, judging the other way as “wrong” only hurts feelings and hinders stepfamily bonding.

It’s surprising to realize that traditions sometimes are repeated when, in reality, they lost their significance long ago. It might not be so bad to start some new ones.

Visitation Revisited

Pressures are never higher than when discussing who gets the kids during the key holiday moments, whether it’s the annual seder or the Easter Egg hunt. And nowhere does communication become more critical than when clarifying visitation schedules during these supposedly “happy” times.

The already complex family situation is multiplied with remarriage, with stepdads and ex-wives and multiple grandparents all wanting a piece of the action. Imagine this difficult scenario for young children. After sharing Christmas Eve with their mother, Fred awakens his children early because he’s booked them into five 2-hour visits: breakfast at Grandma Helen’s, snack and gifts at Aunt Betty’s, Christmas dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Ellstrom’s house, late afternoon with Fred’s mom before going to supper at Aunt Sarah’s. Is it any surprise that the children are cranky and tired before they even get to the last grandma’s house? By that point, they don’t even care about more presents and have no idea who gave them what loot. They whine and want to go home. All that chaos and they haven’t even had their own stepfamily celebration yet!

Because holidays are emotionally charged, too often what is meant to be a joyful time becomes more terrible than terrific. A better stress-reducing solution would be to plan several celebrations so everyone can truly enjoy each special time. Because December 25 is merely a calendar date, stretching out the festivities can make them more meaningful to everyone.

Although children of divorce deal with many challenges, they aren’t unhappy about all the extra holiday dinners, presents, and attention they get from their new extended family, say researchers. According to the University of Pennsylvania’s Professor Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr., who studied the effects of the extended family on the stepfamily, the key is how well adults handle the situation. Resolving differences with their former spouses and refusing to use the children to settle differences mirror what’s possible in stepfamily living.

Sure, you might have to cook an additional turkey or take another day off, but keeping schedules simple is the secret to a successful holiday.

Looking for Enriching Times

As youngsters travel great distances to be with their other parent, holiday success rests with the adults in both households.

At one end, the children need to be prepared. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know you feel good that they can be with their other parent. Keep any sadness you feel to yourself.

The receiving parent needs to help the children feel comfortable with the transition during this sensitive time. Remember that some children—especially teenagers—would rather be with familiar friends and surroundings. Get them involved in the new experience; avoid treating the kids who don’t live with you year-round as guests. “Hey, Alex, your dad tells me you make great popcorn balls. Would you do that for us while you’re here?” Giving them small responsibilities can make them feel a part of creating the holiday, too—and more a part of your household.

Holidays can be an enriching time for children of remarriage. As youths move between two families, and many travel to new places, stepchildren may meet new people and gain new experiences. Teenager Jenifer says she likes going to her dad’s place in St. John’s the day after Christmas with her dad and stepmother. “It’s cool because one day I am out cross-country skiing with my brothers in New York and the next afternoon I’m out sailing with my dad in the Virgin Islands.” Like Jenifer, who adapted to not being with her mother the entire Christmas week, children can learn to become more adaptable and flexible.

More role models from a greater extended family offer new beliefs, attitudes, and skills. Jenifer’s father recalls how his own creative father loved to paint but couldn’t nail a bird house together. His stepfather’s hobby involved sailing and woodworking. “Learning all that from him led me to become a carpenter and to living on a sailboat. It’s great to have a spare dad,” he says.

For most of us, the holidays are a time of expectations. Unmet ones account for much of the disappointment, sadness, and postholiday depression that people in all families experience. An emphasis on planning ahead and creating realistic holiday expectations will prepare remarried families to receive the gifts the holidays offer. When hopes and dreams are balanced with reality, a joyful exchange of sharing old traditions while making new ones can provide a festive foundation for the stepfamily’s future. And it just might skirt some of those holiday landmines.

Elizabeth Einstein, LMFT, is a nationally known marriage and family therapist. An award-winning author and coauthor of a new teach-out-of the box program, Active Parenting for Stepfamilies, she trains professionals to work more effectively with stepfamilies. She lives in Ithaca, New York.

How to Avoid Ex-Spouse’s Issues Becoming Remarriage Issue

You’re happily remarried—except you feel you’ve entered a bizarre love triangle: your spouse’s ex seems intent on destroying your happy union.

Remarriage is well-known for having its own special challenges. When you develop a relationship with someone who has formerly been married, that marriage represents a deeper bond than just someone your spouse dated. Extrication from the ex is difficult because first, finances and legal issues must be handled. And when there are children involved, extrication can’t be 100 percent.

Some ex-spouses have a hard time letting go, especially when they see their ex moving on and seemingly happy, and they themselves have not yet arrived at a happier phase in their life.

An ex-spouse’s frustration can come out in a variety of ways. If there was property held in common, this can be a source of contention and used as a battlefield. An ex-spouse may drag their feet on selling the property, which has implications on the finances of the newly remarried couple.

One of the most difficult areas, though, would be when children are pulled into the fray. There can be a tug-of-war between the ex-spouse and the new spouse, with the children the rope in the middle.

The result of an ex-spouse’s troublemaking, no matter what form it comes in, is that the newly remarried couple is focusing their attention on the wrong place: the ex-spouse. As a couple, you need time and attention given to your marriage—not constantly hashing it out over what the ex-spouse just did.

Let’s face it: this can put a serious damper on the joy and love that is rightfully your experience in your new marriage.

How should a remarried couple handle dealing with an ex-spouse bent on troublemaking? Here are 3 tips to help you get through:

Tip 1: Take a Different Viewpoint

It’s only natural to view any threat to your remarriage as the enemy, and that includes a troublesome ex-spouse.

The ex-spouse isn’t an enemy: they are a person who is struggling and hopefully, temporarily misguided. Their behavior, while troublesome, is evidence of their being emotionally troubled.

By looking at them in this light, it can lessen the amount of strain you are feeling. Also, if you have stepchildren, they no doubt sense the tension that’s there in their biological parents’ relationship, so your moderated feelings can provide a safe haven.

Tip 2: Appoint the Problem Manager

It’s natural for the remarried couple to want to join forces and treat this situation as “defeating a common enemy.” This is one time where the best way to work as a team is to work separate. If it’s your ex-spouse, then it is up to you to manage the issue. If it is your spouse’s ex, then they must manage the issue.

This helps get the confrontation out in the open and hopefully closer to resolution if the two most-involved parties are the ones going back and forth. Adding a person who wasn’t party to that marriage seems to only fuel the fire of contention, heightening already-heightened emotions of the ex. They may feel ganged up on, or get a little thrill at the thought of causing upset in their ex-spouse’s home.

Tip 3: Tend to Your Remarriage                                       

When you are not knee-deep in the issues between your spouse and their ex, you are able to concentrate on doing those things that build your remarriage, such as planning for fun times together.

Having fun together as a remarried couple is more challenging when you are both in knots over the latest “antics” of a troubled ex-spouse. By keeping some distance from the fray, you can provide a sympathetic ear to your spouse while also focusing your attention on providing a positive home environment that promotes enforcing the bonds of your relationship.

And when it comes to hoping for some light at the end of this particular tunnel, remember the saying, “This too, shall pass.” 

Remarried Couples Need to Make Frequent Use of THIS

You’re the proud co-parent of a blended family. Do you find yourself asking where the rewards are?

Not every day is a headache. Like any child-rearing experience, whether it’s for biological, adopted or blended, it’s all the same: some days are good, others you wonder why you ever got out of bed.

Raising kids is stressful, and anyone with a child or stepchild can relate to that.

When you blend a family, the challenges can be even greater. Different rules, different ways of doing things, and emotional ups and downs can all lead to the perfect environment for clashes.

And the remarried couple in all of this? They often find themselves running just to keep up, let alone find balance and time for themselves.

But it’s imperative that remarried couples make time for each other in all of this—something that all parents struggle with. But considering that divorce rates are higher for second marriages, it would seem all the more reason for taking time to nurture your relationship.

After all, a blended family does present unique challenges in that, often, there are also ex-spouses that may or may not be supportive of your new union, and this can add another layer of stress onto a situation that already has the makings for a fine drama.

So what’s the remarried couple to do to alleviate some of their stress?

Make use of this stress-reducing strategy: have frequent date nights.

Just because you get remarried doesn’t mean you both needed to put away your party clothes and dancing shoes. Think of couples when they’re dating: they spend time together, usually alone, doing activities and getting to know each other.

In addition, they are forging a bond through the sharing of experiences, which serves to pull them closer together.

Remarrieds need to remember to continue that tradition. One of the things that often drives married couples apart, whether first-time or remarried, is they simply grow apart. Growing apart happens when you don’t invest the time in each other and get caught up with just trying to keep the family going.

You don’t have to do extravagant dates. It could be as simple as picking one activity to do each week as a couple, whether that’s taking a long walk together or meeting up midday for a coffee date. 

Before you step away from this article, call your significant other right now and ask them out on a date—for this week. Tell them it’s your new stress-relieving strategy.

Let us know…

On a scale of 1 to 10, how stressful would you rate having a blended family to be, with 1 being no stress and 10 more stress than the President has on his hands?

 

As a remarried person, do you feel that dating is important for your relationship to thrive?

What Does the Fall Line-up Have Lined Up for Blended Families?

When you think of television shows featuring traditional families, you may think back to the old Leave it to Beaver episodes or even The Addams Family.

What do you think of when you hear “blended family television shows?” You may not be as quick to respond, but actually, blended families have had a fair amount of representation in the world of television.

Although not the first blended family to be shown on television (Make Room for Daddy and Bonanza both featured stepfamilies), The Brady Bunch was aired by ABC from 1969 to 1974 during a time when divorce and remarriage were on the rise in the United States. The first season was especially centered on the six children who were learning how to live together and operate as a family unit. Of all the family drama they did have, they never seemed to have to deal with the absent parents’ families. There were no extenuating blended-family dramas such as Grandparents-in-law carting just their three biological grandkids off for special occasions or other awkward situations.

For nearly a decade we’ve had Two and a Half Men, aired by CBS since 2003, and faithful viewers have watched as Jake, the “Half” portion of the title, grew up and the comedy ensue as he was swapped back and forth between his parents’ homes. Now his uncle Charlie is gone and Jake has left the paternal nest to join the Army. Is this a spin-off possibility? Perhaps Jake will meet a nice young girl and have a son to continue the show with his own “Half Man.”

Until that happens, be on the lookout for these three blended family shows from the Fall line-up:

1. The Disney channel has come out with Dog with a Blog this season, a show for the tweens about a blended family, but written from the family pet’s perspective. A family adopts a dog named Stan in the hope that two feuding stepsiblings will bond over the pet. It works when the siblings soon find out that that the dog can talk and write. The Disney premiere will be Friday night, October 12th.
2. Ben and Kate is a new network comedy, and it follows a pair of odd-couple siblings and their friends as they push each other out of their comfort zones and into real life. What happens when an optimistic dreamer moves in with his overly responsible little sister to help raise her five-year-old daughter?  It’s not a stepfamily, but it is representational of the alternative family dynamic that seems to be replacing the traditional nuclear family in our culture today. This show begins Tuesday, September 25th at 8:30/7:30c on Fox.
3. First aired in 2009, ABC will continue to air Modern Family on September 25th. Done in "mockumentary" style, Modern Family revolves around three families that are related through Jay Pritchett (Ed O'Neill) and his family. Jay, the patriarch of the family, has recently remarried a woman who has a son. Jay's daughter has a husband and three children. Jay's son and his life partner have adopted a Vietnamese baby. This blended family has it all: stepchildren, adopted children, second marriages, and a gay couple. This season promises to be every bit as award-winning as last.

Now stop and try to think of any current shows that have traditional families… can you think of any?

In the comments section below, let us know your thoughts on families as they’re represented on television, and what your favorite was or currently is.

IndyCar Driver Ed Carpenter Shares His Spin on Step- and Traditional Families 

Ed Carpenter counts himself a lucky man. Not only does he get to do something he loves that’s both a hobby and his job—something he considers a “luxury” to be able to do—but he also gets to include his family.

Ed is an IndyCar Driver—his team’s car is number 20. Ed took time out of his busy preparations for the Grand Prix happening in Baltimore over Labor Day weekend to share his thoughts with RemarriageWorks.com on stepfamilies and traditional families.

“It’s different in other sports, but in racing, family can come along,” says Ed. Not that he gets to see them a lot while he’s working, but he and his wife Heather take comfort in the knowledge that their kids are seeing the country and learning new things while still being together as much as possible.

Other than balancing work and family life, Ed has a new challenge: his daughter Makenna’s newly budding social calendar. For Makenna, who turns five in October, sometimes a friend’s birthday party presents a conflict. Ed and Heather try to balance those types of activities with spending as much time together as possible while Ed is on the road traveling, which he does from March until generally the end of October. (Luckily for the Carpenters, the race season ends the end of September this year.)

In addition to Makenna, there’s Ryder who just turned three, and a third baby on the way. The Carpenter family resides in Indianapolis, and they feel fortunate that during race season in the month of May, the races are based in Indianapolis.

Ed is also from a stepfamily, and he can only see the benefits that a stepfamily provided him. In fact, he’s no longer a stepson. The man he has called his stepfather since the age of eight has been going through the process of formally adopting him. That man is Indy Racing League founder Tony George and someone that Ed obviously looks up to and greatly respects.

Ed credits his stepfather for how he handled entering the blended family dynamic as a stepfather and the mindset he brought. Ed has this advice for anyone considering remarriage: “What made it great was, my last name was different, but I never felt different. My advice is don’t do it unless you’re willing to care for a child who is not your own.”

When Ed’s mom remarried, Ed got a stepbrother, and later, a sister came along. He considered his mother’s remarriage a good thing for him, providing him with what he feels was a more normal environment.

For kids transitioning into a blended family, he offers this advice: “Respect your parents. Have faith in them, that they’ll make decisions that are good for your well-being.”

As for the family-friendly Grand Prix, Ed says that with a street race, there is always something going on, both off-track and on. “There’s a car on the track all the time.” It’s a chance for a family to have a fun outing and spend time together, getting caught up in the thrill of the event.

This is Ed’s first year owning his own team in association with Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka. We wish Ed and his team the best of luck in this year’s IndyCar Series. And, best wishes to Ed and his wife in their efforts to cultivate a close family environment that surmount the challenges of a traveling athlete. 

Healthy Communication in a Blended Family

Define Your Communication Style Mix

Communicating well is a challenge for all of us, but it would seem as if a blended family would have even more challenges then most when it comes to communicating well.

Why is this?

Blending a family is more than just two people getting together who happen to have some kids. There are pre-existing family dynamics, personalities and differing communication skills that must now suddenly “blend.”

This blending can either be a harmonious occurrence, such as what you get when you blend together ingredients for a smoothie. Or, it can look like what happens when you leave the lid off of the blender: you are wiping the results off the walls and ceiling.

There are various levels of communication issues that can occur in a stepfamily. For one, children may feel torn between their natural parents—and not sure what to make of the new arrangement with the stepparent. Some will respond by being vocal, while others may hide how they’re feeling, fearful of rocking the boat. This becomes a communication issue, when either nothing is being communicated, or a child is lashing out as a means of expression.

Then, there is the parent and the stepparent and their way of communicating with kids. Maybe mom’s style of parenting has been to allow her child to debate every decision with her, while stepdad’s style is more “what I say goes.” This can cause a communication issue between the couple because of differing communication styles in the parental role.

Stepfamilies aren’t unique in having communication issues. They simply have a more unique situation than what is traditional. But think of traditional families: how many do you know that have perfect communication skills? There’s a reason many people dread the holidays—communication can either be the “special sauce” or the meal that goes down in flames.

Communication takes ongoing effort, and for a blended family, it needs to start from the top. If you are preparing for remarriage now, consider going to some form of pre-marital counseling so that you can learn more about what to expect after the “I do.” One thing that is beneficial to uncover are the expectations each of you has for how you will communicate with each other, with the kids, and what is acceptable and unacceptable when communicating.

If you’re already remarried, it’s not too late to have this discussion—and set some guidelines. It can be as simple as: “We as a family will always be open and honest with each other about what we are thinking and feeling, as long as we communicate it in a respectful tone.” Or, you and your partner may decide that how you have always communicated with your natural children is the way you will continue, and the stepparent will not interfere.

Communication works best when people take the time to actually sit down and discuss their thoughts and feelings on various topics and issues. And it’s more helpful to do so before there’s a major problem or blow-up. However, even a blow-up can become a learning experience when you work together to do better next time.

As a blended family, you are not at a disadvantage when it comes to communication. In fact, blending those different styles may make you a stronger unit, as you learn to navigate different ways of communicating with people who have a different style than you—a skill that will extend into the world at large.

 

Does your blended family have any communication issues with which you’re currently struggling, or have in the past?

 

If so, what have you tried to do in order to resolve them? Has it worked?

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. 

The 5 Best Ways Parents Can Help Their Daughter Cope with Divorce

By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls. Most studies report that girls tend to adjust better than boys immediately following divorce.

However, several experts, such as Judith Wallerstein, have written about a “Sleeper Effect” – a delayed reaction which can trigger negative emotions and wounded trust in early adult years.  As they venture out on their own and make decisions about love and commitment, daughters of divorce may feel pessimistic about love, choose partners who are all wrong for them, and become preoccupied with the fear that their relationships will not succeed.

On the whole, children crave stability, and a girl’s desire for authentic connection is strong. The failure of a marriage falls outside of a child’s day to day experience. When compared to their male counterparts, daughters of divorce are more sensitive to this disruption. Often, a girl may feel her parents’ divorce is due to what she perceives as some defect on her part.  When her family is broken, she feels broken.  As a result, it’s important for parents and stepparents to model good communication, problem-solving and conflict resolution skills.  This is ultimately for the good of any children involved.

As a parent, it’s crucial to recognize that intimate relationships may be hard for your daughter because she didn’t have a template of a healthy, intact marriage to follow. On the other hand, E.M. Hetherington, a leading authority on divorce, points out that a successful remarriage can counteract some of the negative impact of parental divorce. Keep in mind that a girl’s relationship with her father and stepfather can help her grow into adulthood with confidence in her ability to love and be loved, providing a counterbalance to any negative impact. 

In an effort to find out more about the unique vulnerabilities that girls face after parental divorce, my daughter Tracy and I interviewed 126 women raised in divided homes. Penny, a beautiful, out-going twenty-something woman, acknowledges she had a delayed reaction to her parents’ breakup: “As a young child, I was a people pleaser and didn’t react much to my dad leaving – but it hit me like a vengeance when I was in college – I got really angry at my dad and didn’t speak to him for a few years.” Consequently, Penny endured relationships rife with infidelity and emotional abuse, because she lacked awareness and a positive male role model.

How can you help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood and move forward with an optimistic view of love and marriage? The following strategies can help your daughter cope:

• Help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood by creating a safe atmosphere for her to grieve and discuss her feelings.
• Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse as this will only promote loyalty conflicts and make it more difficult for her to heal.
• Be sensitive to the fact that your divorce can have a negative impact on your daughter’s self-esteem – find ways to encourage her to build self-worth.
• Attempt to help your daughter repair any father-daughter wounds.
• Don’t let cynicism, sadness, or anger get in the way of your daughter’s future. If you have negative views of relationships don’t pass them to her. 

In closing, while daughters of divorce possess unique vulnerabilities, they are also armed with signature strengths such as resilience and self-reliance. With greater awareness, they can learn to recognize the forces that shape them and build healthy relationships. Experiencing divorce as children can make women more careful about whom they choose for partners as adults. Daughters of divorce understand the fragility of love, but maintain a respect for its sacred place in their lives.   

Bio- Terry Gaspard is a licensed clinical social worker, college instructor, and non-fiction writer, specializing in divorce, women’s issues, children, and families. She wrote Love We Can Be Sure Of: How Daughters of Divorce Can Build Love, Trust, and Intimacy with her daughter Tracy Clifford based on their research findings. They are both daughters of divorce and Terry has been happily remarried for 15 years. Their book inspired www.movingpastdivorce.com as a way for adults to move past divorce to a place of greater happiness and peace. They offer a bi-weekly enewsletter, blogs, and other resources to promote healing and successful relationships.