Former School Counselor Pat Bubash Shares Her Unique Perspective

RemarriageWorks spoke with Pat Bubash, author of Successful Second Marriages and a now retired school counselor, to get the inside scoop on stepfamilies from a school counselor’s experience. Pat offers her perspective and some great insight into the challenges of blending a family and how she witnessed first-hand the impact on kids. She also offers some advice on what to expect, and what it may be like from the kids’ perspective.

How does being in a stepfamily make life a little different for students?

That’s one of the reasons I wrote my book. I had an open-door policy in my office. If I didn’t have something scheduled, my door was open. You get a lot of insight when people can just come in as needed. A lot of conversations over the years were with parents or kids or even grandparents when there was a remarriage.

It’s a difficult transition. It’s even difficult when the kid likes the stepparent because the composition of family life becomes different then. If the stepparent has children and they come over, those living in the house have to learn to share – their room, their time. I think that’s one area that has a big impact on kids, and when they find they have to share time with their parent.

There are so many factors involved that make blended marriage so difficult. One of the stories in my book is about one couple who in five years’ time, separated four times. Not because they didn’t love each other, but there were four kids among them and they drove them nuts. The kids didn’t want their parents to be married again – they were quite fine with how things were. Now the kids have moved on, and the couple is very happy.

What would prompt a student to come to you?

An advocate, an ear. I’ve always told kids this: even if they’re coming in to complain about a parent, what was said to me was between us. If they came to say they’re really mad at mom or didn’t like their stepmom or stepdad, it was safe. If they came in and said they were going to hurt somebody – that was different. Kids knew they could come in and tell me whatever was on their mind. It was safe with me and they could trust me. Then, it’s like any of us: you get something off your chest, and then you can go back and deal with it. I felt I had more of a rapport because I knew what it was like from my own experience. I think it made the relationship between my students and myself a closer one.

What would prompt parents to come to you?

Well, thinking I could – again – listen to their frustration and anger. I’ll give you an example. There were two kids, they were really great kids, in elementary school, and their dad was single. He was a very good dad, very involved. He was a lawyer, successful, and they lived with him full time. He met a woman who was a school counselor for their district. He was smitten with her. He’d been so super-involved with his kids, but he now needed time to woo this woman, and the kids’ behavior really changed. They became more difficult, not so pleasant and challenging with him. He came to the office, the only time he came in there, and he said how much he was in love with this woman. I said, “You may be, but it doesn’t mean they are, and you were there first for them.” It didn’t mean the kids were on board.

He was so involved with his kids and there for them, and then trying to have a relationship with this woman – he wasn’t even thinking how it affected them. He thought because he was so happy, everyone should be so happy. Your kids were there first. I tell parents, you are maybe forgetting they have a parent: the person you’re divorced from. They may not be your spouse, but they’re still their parent.

If parents took time to build a friendship first, they had a better chance. I was never quiet about the fact that I was a divorced person, which gives some credibility to what you’re talking about. I think that’s such a big problem with people who want to remarry, and more than half of people who divorce want to remarry. When they find someone again they think “finally” and they want everyone to be happy with that person, too.

It’s different for kids: it’s not their biological parent, and now they have to share you and your time – and sometimes your finances. It’s a lot of being willing to share everything, and I find teenagers are most unhappy about this and they’re in their own world and don’t want to be involved with what’s going on with their parents. They feel the focus should be on them. Little kids are easier: you go out play ball with them, and spend time with them, and they’re young enough to build that rapport. For teenagers, as far as they’re concerned, it’s “my world is the most important world right now.”

We all want somebody, but the kids were there first. And when you put them first, it’s to the detriment of a new relationship. I guess it’s like the couple who separated all those times… if you can wait it out until those kids are out of the house, it’s probably an easier transition and might even be better. Otherwise, it could be a lot of stress on your life. It’s not an easy thing; couples need to talk to a counselor, share the family dynamics and its composition. Understand how kids feel about it rather than how the adults feel about it.

Why would a grandparent approach school counselor?

There are times, more often than not, when their child divorces, especially if it’s a daughter-in-law involved and they don’t get to see the children as much, or even at all. Women are like this more than men: they are so angry at that ex-spouse, they remove their kids from the grandparents. Unfortunately, the grandparents get caught in the middle of it all. I love my mother-in-law – she was the best. I allowed my kids to spend time with her and love her. But that’s not the majority: the animosity, hurt - it’s one way to get back at your spouse by keeping them from those grandparents. It’s hard to recall that these grandparents were part of the kids’ life and need to continue to be. And grandparents need to understand that they need to stay out of that disagreement going on: they have to be uninvolved with what’s going on with the couple. Even with their own kids, they should not take sides. My mother-in-law managed to pull that off, but I know she felt I was the better parent.

I imagine school work is affected. What is your advice to a couple about to blend their family?

They need to not expect their kids to be as in love with this person as they are. And when children are involved, make sure you have family dinners together, but continue to let the biological parent have time with their own kids. If they want to go somewhere with them, don’t think you automatically have to become this family and share. If they only see their kids on weekends, give them time to do something together because they don’t get a lot of time. They need that time with their parent. I really think that’s important.

Don’t expect right off the bat that everything has to be done altogether, that everything has to be shared. I think that’s where resentment really gets built up. For kids not living with their biological parent, they really need that time with their parent. It builds up animosity when it’s not honored. They think the stepparent gets to see their parent all the time, while they’re their child and they don’t, and think ‘how fair is that?’

And when changes are being made, the parents should let the school know. Teachers know when kids are acting different and acting up. They’d come to me and ask me “What’s going on?” If there are any changes in family composition, let the school counselor know: it’s what they’re there for. Counselors are there to help – a resource.

3 Tips for Coping with the Dual-Household Dilemma

“But, at my other house I get to…”

Is there a more dreaded argument from a child than the old comparison standby of how everyone else in the whole entire world does things and so we-should-too?

It’s one thing to hear how “all the other kids” do things in their homes, and quite another to have your house rules stacked up against those of the other custodial parent—especially with how homework is handled.

With kids back in school now, homework wars are common enough in any home, but the challenge for blended families are the possibly two different sets of rules governing how and when homework should be done.

Maybe in your home, you feel that homework should be done right after school, or early in the morning on weekends. But in your child’s other living space, the rules are lax and the approach is “when you get to it.”

This can be confusing for kids, who first of all want to find a way to put off the inevitable. Have you ever heard a child argue for doing homework sooner rather than later?

Regardless of how many days your child or stepchild lives under your roof, you have a right to set up rules governing what goes on there in the way you see fit.

Here are some tips for coping with the dual-household dilemma—and avoiding homework drama:

Tip #1: Talk with the other Parent

In a perfect world, there would be one set of rules for your child, no matter where they lay their head. But this isn’t always the case. You can try to talk to your ex-spouse or the biological parent to see if it’s possible to create one set of rules. If not, it’s not worth getting upset over—and at least you know what you have to work with.

Tip #2: Your Rules are the Rules

If the rules are different under the two different roofs, any kid worth their salt will try the comparison trick if the other rules favor the put-it-off approach—it’s their birthright. That’s okay: it’s kids being kids. But, your house, your rules, and you aren’t obligated to do things the exact same way as the other household. Explain that you can appreciate how different people do things differently, but in your home, this is how it’s done.

Tip #3: Allow Child Input

Coming on the heels of that last tip, you can help the child feel some sense of control or at least have a say in rule-making by asking for their input on some aspect of the homework rule. For example, with younger children, you can state what the homework rules are, but they get to choose whether they have a snack before, during or after a homework session. For older kids, they could be given a choice of where to do their homework: in their room, at the dining room table, or some other designated space.

Negotiations are part of the family experience, regardless of the family being traditional or blended. The art of firmness with some degree of compromise works well in any situation. 

New Stepdads and their Role in the Blended Family

A Candid Look at Expectations, Growth Pains and Success

By Craig Gaspard 

I’ll have to admit that when I became a stepfather, the day I married my wife Terry – in May of 1997 – I really had no idea what I was getting into. I was a stepfather (briefly) for three years in my first marriage. But, I was never a father before, and at the ripe “young” age of 42, I was thinking that I was somehow going to “get by” and become accepted, primarily because I had married their mother. I was in for an awakening, not “rude” mind you but eye-opening nonetheless.

In my mind, “get[ting] by” was being nice, not making waves or expecting too much of Sean, who had just turned 13, and Tracy who was soon going to be 11. But as the weeks turned into months, the challenges of the role became more apparent. Comments like “you’re not my father” served as challenges to any authority I tried to impose, even as innocently as “could you please put this [or that] away.”

For about three years, our newly formed family went through some growing pains that included having our own child Catherine, who, in the beginning, was seen as a threat to take away their mother’s attention.  Holidays, vacations and birthdays seemed to be about one-upmanship. But, even before those three years were up, some helpful changes occurred that helped.

Different from a biological parent, a major thrust of being a stepparent I’ve learned is to be a friend on some level. Not like a school friend, but an adult friend more akin to being a guidance counselor. Inviting my stepson not only to go on summer vacations, but to also share my love of fishing with him helped in the friendship process. It was more challenging to be a friend to my stepdaughter, a naturally shy person. But to attend some of her basketball games and supporting her need for one-on-one time with Terry helped with this. This takes time, years really.

Presenting a united front with Terry supporting my suggestions or requests (if reasonable) was helpful. This did require respect, caring and perhaps love. These latter two are “earned” from the point of view of the stepchild.  Caring and respect are especially important, cannot be rushed, and are granted over time. I think it must take time because as in most relations between unrelated people, trust has to be built. Even though Terry ‘s and my relationship and eventual marriage happened nearly three years after her divorce was finalized, that still is very soon in the eyes of children. Too soon to not be seen as a “competitor” with their father on some level.

Let me end by identifying some key points:

• Stepparents had best proceed slowly.
• Just because things went well when you were dating the biological parent, does not ensure things will go smoothly once you’re a committed couple.  A marriage effectively ends any hope of their mother and father reunifying and can reignite those feelings of loss for the children.
• Take your time in getting to know a stepchild. Rushing it may satisfy your own unmet needs to be liked. Sharing common interests, from sports and arts, can do nothing but help.
• As much as possible, stay out of interactions between biological parents working out holiday or vacation schedules. And especially, try to be courteous and respectful of the “other parent”, keeping in mind that (likely) neither parent would have chosen having their children live with them part-time.
• Cooperate with the biological parent living with you, and talk, talk, talk.

 

This article is a reprint of an article posted on Terry Gaspard’s blog on http://movingpastdivorce.com. The author, Craig Gaspard, LICSW, MPA, is a clinical social worker with over 20 years of experience, primarily in the substance abuse treatment and prevention fields. He has also worked in the affordable housing and homeless services and administered a family mediation program. He is beginning anew as a family and divorce mediator in Rhode Island. 

5 Tips for Navigating the Stepfamily Vacation

You and your partner work hard all year long, and you may “X” off the calendar days until those precious few days of vacation get here.

As a blended family, there may be more than just you and your spouse attending the summertime festivities. 

So, while you may be excited to take a break and enjoy your favorite activities, or simply plan to kick up your feet and do absolutely nothing for a string of days, you may be feeling a little nervous that things won’t go, well… exactly as planned.

This doesn’t mean that just because you’re a blended family, you’re going to have a struggle. Any family can follow these tips, because it takes into consideration everyone’s ideas and feelings.

Here are some tips for navigating your stepfamily vacation—while still banking some relaxation points.

Tip 1: Lower your expectations

When it comes to vacations, it’s easy to let our imaginations—and expectations—get away from us.

For example, it’s going to be a challenge to erase 51 weeks of stress in just one week.

Also, it may be expecting too much to think that all of your blended-family issues are going to disappear for a week. Wherever you and your blended family go, your issues won’t be far behind you.

When you accept this, it won’t come as quite a surprise when a conflict pops up.

Tip 2: Set Guidelines

Everyone has their hot buttons, pet peeves and annoyances, whether they’re adult, teenager or child. Have everyone agree to leave those behind.

Also, be specific.  When you say, “Let’s all just try to have a nice time,” what does that mean?

One idea is to have each family member state what he or she hopes to get out of this vacation, and how he or she defines a “nice time.” The answers may be quite interesting—and not what you would expect!

Tip 3: Involve Everyone in the Planning

To foster good feelings, get some input from each person who is going on the vacation. For example, if they could choose one thing, what would they most like to see or do?

This will help each person personalize the experience to his or her own likes, which can lead to excitement about the vacation rather than a sense of dread.

Also, it sets the stage for thinking positively rather than gearing up for away-from-home disgruntlement.

Tip 4: Let Kids Spend Time Alone with their Biological Parent if Possible

Though you are on a family vacation, it doesn’t mean you can’t split up for part of the time and have some one-on-one activities that give kids, who may or may not normally live with their parent, time alone with that parent.

Or, if you happen to be at a place such as an amusement park, make sure to partner up with your child for a ride. If you are at a beach, consider taking a short bike ride with your child. Maybe your spouse can take his or her children out for an ice cream during this time.

This can give the stepparent some much needed time alone to relax or go do an activity on his or her own that no one else is interested in. And, it fosters good feelings in kids to get a “special” treat of not having to share their parent for a chunk of time or fun activity.

Tip 5: Follow up: Reinforce the Positive Aspects of the Vacation

Your blended family will no doubt have a good time together. One way to end the vacation on a high note is to ask everyone what his or her favorite part of the whole vacation was.

This prompts each person to sift through just his or her positive memories, reinforcing the good that exists in your blended family dynamic. You carry back with you more than just luggage: you have some good memories to share and build from.