Remarried Couples Need to Make Frequent Use of THIS

You’re the proud co-parent of a blended family. Do you find yourself asking where the rewards are?

Not every day is a headache. Like any child-rearing experience, whether it’s for biological, adopted or blended, it’s all the same: some days are good, others you wonder why you ever got out of bed.

Raising kids is stressful, and anyone with a child or stepchild can relate to that.

When you blend a family, the challenges can be even greater. Different rules, different ways of doing things, and emotional ups and downs can all lead to the perfect environment for clashes.

And the remarried couple in all of this? They often find themselves running just to keep up, let alone find balance and time for themselves.

But it’s imperative that remarried couples make time for each other in all of this—something that all parents struggle with. But considering that divorce rates are higher for second marriages, it would seem all the more reason for taking time to nurture your relationship.

After all, a blended family does present unique challenges in that, often, there are also ex-spouses that may or may not be supportive of your new union, and this can add another layer of stress onto a situation that already has the makings for a fine drama.

So what’s the remarried couple to do to alleviate some of their stress?

Make use of this stress-reducing strategy: have frequent date nights.

Just because you get remarried doesn’t mean you both needed to put away your party clothes and dancing shoes. Think of couples when they’re dating: they spend time together, usually alone, doing activities and getting to know each other.

In addition, they are forging a bond through the sharing of experiences, which serves to pull them closer together.

Remarrieds need to remember to continue that tradition. One of the things that often drives married couples apart, whether first-time or remarried, is they simply grow apart. Growing apart happens when you don’t invest the time in each other and get caught up with just trying to keep the family going.

You don’t have to do extravagant dates. It could be as simple as picking one activity to do each week as a couple, whether that’s taking a long walk together or meeting up midday for a coffee date. 

Before you step away from this article, call your significant other right now and ask them out on a date—for this week. Tell them it’s your new stress-relieving strategy.

Let us know…

On a scale of 1 to 10, how stressful would you rate having a blended family to be, with 1 being no stress and 10 more stress than the President has on his hands?

 

As a remarried person, do you feel that dating is important for your relationship to thrive?

What Does the Fall Line-up Have Lined Up for Blended Families?

When you think of television shows featuring traditional families, you may think back to the old Leave it to Beaver episodes or even The Addams Family.

What do you think of when you hear “blended family television shows?” You may not be as quick to respond, but actually, blended families have had a fair amount of representation in the world of television.

Although not the first blended family to be shown on television (Make Room for Daddy and Bonanza both featured stepfamilies), The Brady Bunch was aired by ABC from 1969 to 1974 during a time when divorce and remarriage were on the rise in the United States. The first season was especially centered on the six children who were learning how to live together and operate as a family unit. Of all the family drama they did have, they never seemed to have to deal with the absent parents’ families. There were no extenuating blended-family dramas such as Grandparents-in-law carting just their three biological grandkids off for special occasions or other awkward situations.

For nearly a decade we’ve had Two and a Half Men, aired by CBS since 2003, and faithful viewers have watched as Jake, the “Half” portion of the title, grew up and the comedy ensue as he was swapped back and forth between his parents’ homes. Now his uncle Charlie is gone and Jake has left the paternal nest to join the Army. Is this a spin-off possibility? Perhaps Jake will meet a nice young girl and have a son to continue the show with his own “Half Man.”

Until that happens, be on the lookout for these three blended family shows from the Fall line-up:

1. The Disney channel has come out with Dog with a Blog this season, a show for the tweens about a blended family, but written from the family pet’s perspective. A family adopts a dog named Stan in the hope that two feuding stepsiblings will bond over the pet. It works when the siblings soon find out that that the dog can talk and write. The Disney premiere will be Friday night, October 12th.
2. Ben and Kate is a new network comedy, and it follows a pair of odd-couple siblings and their friends as they push each other out of their comfort zones and into real life. What happens when an optimistic dreamer moves in with his overly responsible little sister to help raise her five-year-old daughter?  It’s not a stepfamily, but it is representational of the alternative family dynamic that seems to be replacing the traditional nuclear family in our culture today. This show begins Tuesday, September 25th at 8:30/7:30c on Fox.
3. First aired in 2009, ABC will continue to air Modern Family on September 25th. Done in "mockumentary" style, Modern Family revolves around three families that are related through Jay Pritchett (Ed O'Neill) and his family. Jay, the patriarch of the family, has recently remarried a woman who has a son. Jay's daughter has a husband and three children. Jay's son and his life partner have adopted a Vietnamese baby. This blended family has it all: stepchildren, adopted children, second marriages, and a gay couple. This season promises to be every bit as award-winning as last.

Now stop and try to think of any current shows that have traditional families… can you think of any?

In the comments section below, let us know your thoughts on families as they’re represented on television, and what your favorite was or currently is.

Former School Counselor Pat Bubash Shares Her Unique Perspective

RemarriageWorks spoke with Pat Bubash, author of Successful Second Marriages and a now retired school counselor, to get the inside scoop on stepfamilies from a school counselor’s experience. Pat offers her perspective and some great insight into the challenges of blending a family and how she witnessed first-hand the impact on kids. She also offers some advice on what to expect, and what it may be like from the kids’ perspective.

How does being in a stepfamily make life a little different for students?

That’s one of the reasons I wrote my book. I had an open-door policy in my office. If I didn’t have something scheduled, my door was open. You get a lot of insight when people can just come in as needed. A lot of conversations over the years were with parents or kids or even grandparents when there was a remarriage.

It’s a difficult transition. It’s even difficult when the kid likes the stepparent because the composition of family life becomes different then. If the stepparent has children and they come over, those living in the house have to learn to share – their room, their time. I think that’s one area that has a big impact on kids, and when they find they have to share time with their parent.

There are so many factors involved that make blended marriage so difficult. One of the stories in my book is about one couple who in five years’ time, separated four times. Not because they didn’t love each other, but there were four kids among them and they drove them nuts. The kids didn’t want their parents to be married again – they were quite fine with how things were. Now the kids have moved on, and the couple is very happy.

What would prompt a student to come to you?

An advocate, an ear. I’ve always told kids this: even if they’re coming in to complain about a parent, what was said to me was between us. If they came to say they’re really mad at mom or didn’t like their stepmom or stepdad, it was safe. If they came in and said they were going to hurt somebody – that was different. Kids knew they could come in and tell me whatever was on their mind. It was safe with me and they could trust me. Then, it’s like any of us: you get something off your chest, and then you can go back and deal with it. I felt I had more of a rapport because I knew what it was like from my own experience. I think it made the relationship between my students and myself a closer one.

What would prompt parents to come to you?

Well, thinking I could – again – listen to their frustration and anger. I’ll give you an example. There were two kids, they were really great kids, in elementary school, and their dad was single. He was a very good dad, very involved. He was a lawyer, successful, and they lived with him full time. He met a woman who was a school counselor for their district. He was smitten with her. He’d been so super-involved with his kids, but he now needed time to woo this woman, and the kids’ behavior really changed. They became more difficult, not so pleasant and challenging with him. He came to the office, the only time he came in there, and he said how much he was in love with this woman. I said, “You may be, but it doesn’t mean they are, and you were there first for them.” It didn’t mean the kids were on board.

He was so involved with his kids and there for them, and then trying to have a relationship with this woman – he wasn’t even thinking how it affected them. He thought because he was so happy, everyone should be so happy. Your kids were there first. I tell parents, you are maybe forgetting they have a parent: the person you’re divorced from. They may not be your spouse, but they’re still their parent.

If parents took time to build a friendship first, they had a better chance. I was never quiet about the fact that I was a divorced person, which gives some credibility to what you’re talking about. I think that’s such a big problem with people who want to remarry, and more than half of people who divorce want to remarry. When they find someone again they think “finally” and they want everyone to be happy with that person, too.

It’s different for kids: it’s not their biological parent, and now they have to share you and your time – and sometimes your finances. It’s a lot of being willing to share everything, and I find teenagers are most unhappy about this and they’re in their own world and don’t want to be involved with what’s going on with their parents. They feel the focus should be on them. Little kids are easier: you go out play ball with them, and spend time with them, and they’re young enough to build that rapport. For teenagers, as far as they’re concerned, it’s “my world is the most important world right now.”

We all want somebody, but the kids were there first. And when you put them first, it’s to the detriment of a new relationship. I guess it’s like the couple who separated all those times… if you can wait it out until those kids are out of the house, it’s probably an easier transition and might even be better. Otherwise, it could be a lot of stress on your life. It’s not an easy thing; couples need to talk to a counselor, share the family dynamics and its composition. Understand how kids feel about it rather than how the adults feel about it.

Why would a grandparent approach school counselor?

There are times, more often than not, when their child divorces, especially if it’s a daughter-in-law involved and they don’t get to see the children as much, or even at all. Women are like this more than men: they are so angry at that ex-spouse, they remove their kids from the grandparents. Unfortunately, the grandparents get caught in the middle of it all. I love my mother-in-law – she was the best. I allowed my kids to spend time with her and love her. But that’s not the majority: the animosity, hurt - it’s one way to get back at your spouse by keeping them from those grandparents. It’s hard to recall that these grandparents were part of the kids’ life and need to continue to be. And grandparents need to understand that they need to stay out of that disagreement going on: they have to be uninvolved with what’s going on with the couple. Even with their own kids, they should not take sides. My mother-in-law managed to pull that off, but I know she felt I was the better parent.

I imagine school work is affected. What is your advice to a couple about to blend their family?

They need to not expect their kids to be as in love with this person as they are. And when children are involved, make sure you have family dinners together, but continue to let the biological parent have time with their own kids. If they want to go somewhere with them, don’t think you automatically have to become this family and share. If they only see their kids on weekends, give them time to do something together because they don’t get a lot of time. They need that time with their parent. I really think that’s important.

Don’t expect right off the bat that everything has to be done altogether, that everything has to be shared. I think that’s where resentment really gets built up. For kids not living with their biological parent, they really need that time with their parent. It builds up animosity when it’s not honored. They think the stepparent gets to see their parent all the time, while they’re their child and they don’t, and think ‘how fair is that?’

And when changes are being made, the parents should let the school know. Teachers know when kids are acting different and acting up. They’d come to me and ask me “What’s going on?” If there are any changes in family composition, let the school counselor know: it’s what they’re there for. Counselors are there to help – a resource.

Mrs. Delaware Brings National Exposure to Blended Families

Dr. Francine Tolliver Edwards won the 2012 Mrs. Delaware United States Pageant held on May 12, and will represent Delaware at the 26th annual Mrs. United States Pageant in Las Vegas, July 12^th. She also wishes to represent blended families.

Dr. Edwards lives in Delaware with her husband of seven years, Micah and four children, Jordan (son-13), Madison (son-11), Tyler (daughter-6) and Joshua (son-2).  Mrs. Delaware describes her home life as a “six-ring circus:” all six of them do their own thing. In a candid interview, Francine Edwards shared some of her personal experiences, issues, and advice about dealing with the changes in family dynamics which are part and parcel with the blending of families.

Here is a woman who seems able to juggle life with many balls in the air. She began her career in the television industry in 1989 and anchored at BET for 11 years, managed public affairs for the D.C. Department of Health and later, NASA. She is now an Associate Professor at Delaware State University. Most recently, Dr. Edwards published her first romance novel, The Design of Love (written while she was completing her doctorate). In her spare time she enjoys skiing, competing in pageants, reading, writing, and most importantly, spending time with family.

Statistics show that one in three children is a product of a blended family. When kids go back and forth between two households, there’s an adjustment period. Dr. Edwards believes that giving teachers the insight to understand what those kids are going through, and giving them some tools to help those kids cope, is important. She hopes to start by working with her own children’s school administration. Her goal is for teachers and parents to be offered training courses so children may have support at home, in school and in the community.

In her own home, there is much running, chasing, joking, trying to get meals, and readying for school. Somehow it all comes together and everyone gets to where they need to be. Amazingly, out of the 3 kids that have to go to school during the regular school year, only one was late (once)—and that was on the last day of school. They were so busy playing around that they missed the bus. In the evenings it’s a bit calmer with school work and extracurricular activities. Still, they make it a point to sit down and eat dinner together every day. It takes some creative time management for Mom to get it all done.

“I have to really prioritize, which actually means taking care of me first. That includes my physical and mental health, ‘scheduling’ in fun for me, and knowing when to take a break from it all. I get most of my academic work done after everyone in my house goes to bed (I can get my best academic/scholarly work done between 12:00 a.m. – 3:00 a.m.). That’s probably my biggest secret! No one knows I’m up and I can get back in the bed around 3:30 and sleep until 7 or so and be fresh for the next day.”

Clearly, on top of it all, this Associate Professor is also quite the clever Mom.

Mr. Edwards has joint custody and residency of the oldest son, Jordan, who spends alternate weeks with each family. The 2nd oldest son, Madison, is with the Edwards permanently, which has recently raised questions with Tyler, their six-year-old daughter. She has been asking why Madison doesn’t go to see his other mom too. It took some thinking to formulate an answer that a 6-year old could understand. Dr. Edwards explained to Tyler, “Sometimes children have to be with the parent that can give them the best home and life and Daddy was the one to do that.” She stressed to her daughter that Madison’s mother loves him, but just can’t give him a home, school support, or help him with homework and basketball like Dad can.

Issues will arise between sets of parents in regard to basic rules such as curfews, chores, and bedtimes. For the stepparent, it is important to ‘stand by your man’ in the presence of others, and to voice your concerns in private. Be sure to involve the child in the decision but not the conflict. Differences will exist and face-to-face communication between the parents should be encouraged. Just don’t forget that the goal is for the betterment of the child.

“One strategy that didn’t work was having direct contact with the biological mothers! Whew, what a lesson learned here. I thought that once married I had a huge say in everything and that I had a right to voice my opinion, but it only made the tension worse. I was enlightened by my sister and aunt after sharing a story with them about a horrific argument I had with one of the mothers. They both set me straight immediately! They let me know that I shouldn’t be taking on the burden of defending my husband to them, arguing with them about menial things or answering the phone just so I can ‘talk down’ to them in my not-so-cordial greeting. My aunt, being a divorced mother, told me that she made it a point after her husband remarried, not to have any contact with his wife because she knew it would do nothing but cause stress. She said that her relationship with her children’s father and the children has always been better because of that.”

The majority of extended family has been good about trying to keep bruised feelings and egos out of the children’s lives. When there are exceptions, Dr. Edwards feels it is important to hold back the retorts, turn the other cheek, and not to respond negatively when disrespectful comments are presented. Not all grown-ups can keep personal feelings out of the way. For the children, Dr. Edwards feels we need to try our best to be adults.

“I did experience some distance when my oldest stepson turned about 10 or so because at that point he was privy to some negative things his mother had to say about me and my husband. He began to distance himself. I also took a step back because I saw behavior towards me that I didn’t like and I refused to bow down to a child. For example, he wouldn’t speak to me or even interact with me in our home. For a point, I would try to reach out to him, but then I gave up and played the game right along with him. After a while my husband did intervene, which I thought was appropriate. But like I said, I wasn’t going to suck up to him, try to carry on fake conversations or create these insincere family moments with him, because I knew he didn’t want that from me.

We see there is still a stigma attached to being a stepparent. Despite the growing number of blended families, there is something awkward in terms of the relational issues that stepparent’s face that can’t truly be understood unless you are walking in those shoes. Sometimes I can talk or explain my feelings until I’m blue in the face but my own husband still doesn’t understand how I feel. Overcoming some of the challenges, however, can be eased by keeping the lines of communication open and being as transparent as possible.”

Probably the most valuable advice Dr. Edwards wishes to impart is that you absolutely cannot be a part of a stepparent pity party! You have to be proactive and take on the task of being a stepparent as a full-blown educational process. The people who will bad-mouth the biological parents with you and feed negative thoughts to you about your own step children are nothing but energy vampires. You need to be surrounded by stepparents who have overcome obstacles and are willing to share the tools and secrets of success with you.

Mrs. Delaware is attempting to spotlight issues of blended families and step-parenting in the National forum of this month’s Mrs. United States Pageant. On behalf of stepfamilies, we wish her well.