Should Stepparents Attend Parent-Teacher Conferences?

Parent-teacher conferences are upon us…

When the school year begins, there are all sorts of negotiations that occur: appropriate bedtimes, when to do homework, and how much gaming or time with friends is permitted.

How about the negotiations that adults, including ex-spouses and new spouses, must do in the service of raising children?

Negotiating the boundaries of blended families can be almost as challenging as the most intense negotiations done on the level of international diplomacy.  One misstep and the carefully sought-after peace can vanish.

One potential hot-spot is who should attend a parent-teacher conference.

In a perfect world, you could request separate meetings with the teacher.  But with bulging classrooms and teachers handling large numbers of students, there isn’t always enough time in their schedule to accommodate multiple meetings for the same student.

Here are some ideas for negotiating how to handle parent-teacher conferences:

Idea 1: It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask

If two parents are presently not getting along but both want to attend a conference, it doesn’t hurt to ask the teacher for two separate conferences.  It’s not the best choice only because the teacher’s time needs to be respected. 

But if you really can’t get along with your ex, or your new spouse and your ex can’t get along, it may be in the teacher’s best interest to accommodate this request if they would otherwise be in the uncomfortable position of mediator. 

Idea 2: Do a Conference Trade Off

There are generally multiple parent-teacher conference opportunities during the school year.  You can take one conference and your ex can take the other—with one caveat: good notes must be taken and copies made of anything you’re given related to the child’s progress.

This way, by trading off, stepparents can also be involved in the child’s progress.  While it may be uncomfortable to sit with a child’s stepparent and discuss your biological child’s school progress, it can’t be ignored that stepparents play a role in your child’s progress.  Anything that can benefit children is a good thing, and attending conferences can help everyone feel involved as fully as possible in the child’s life.

Idea 3: Pick Your Battles

If you are the stepparent and want to attend your stepchild’s conference, but your spouse’s ex isn’t open to the idea, it may be in your best interests to let it go.  Instead, ask your spouse for details after the meeting.  Also, ask your stepchild for feedback about their progress.  This gives you an opportunity to deepen your connection with them, by showing interest in their school work and offering what assistance you can—without it becoming a battle with a biological parent.

And if you are in the situation of having a stepparent wanting to attend the parent-teacher conference along with you and your ex, reframe the request if you find yourself viewing it negatively. 

For example, instead of thinking, “Why do they always have to stick their nose in everything?” you could reframe how you view their request as, “This would be helpful for all of us to understand what’s going on with Mary so that we can all give her the best support possible.”

Also, think of it as a blessing if a stepparent takes an active interest in their stepchild.  It beats the alternative. 

Keep it Classy with these 3 Tips

If you have children and/or stepchildren, chances are they are enrolled in some sort of sports activity.  Football games, soccer matches, swimming lessons… chances are also good that someone’s ex will also be in attendance.

The atmosphere can turn from one of light-hearted fun and the joy of seeing the kids learning new skills, to one that is awkward, uncomfortable—and sometimes even downright hostile. 

If you’re not careful, there can be more offense and defense going on along the sidelines than what’s happening on the field, and this is something to avoid for your sake and most especially for the kids.

How do you handle this and keep your dignity intact, without avoiding going to activities altogether?  Here are 3 tips for attending sports activities, with dignity and class:

Tip 1: Plan for Selective Avoidance

If you and your ex don’t get along, or you don’t get along with your ex’s new partner, it doesn’t mean you have to avoid attending the kids’ sports activities altogether.

Instead, practice selective avoidance.  If you get to the location early, claim a spot and more than likely, the ex will avoid you.  If you arrive after the ex, then select a spot that is comfortably out of their view.  Either choose the same side and go to the opposite end from where they are, or one of the two sides that end-cap the activity space, where you’d have to crane your necks to see each other. 

For example, any square or rectangular field has four sides from which to choose.  Or, if there is only one set of bleachers, there are two ends to them.  There are plenty of opportunities for blending in comfortably.

Avoid going directly across the way from the ex, as it’s human nature to look to see if someone else is looking at us, and when we catch them looking, to continue to look back to see if they’re still looking. Yes, it sounds childish, but that’s the result of not having a game plan for how to handle such a situation.

Tip 2: Keep Communication Neutral

A child’s practice or game is not the place to discuss financial issues or anything else that is a potentially hot topic.  Kids are always on high alert when they sense there may be trouble, especially with their parents and stepparents, and it will distract them from what they should be focusing on: their sports activity.

If there’s something you need to discuss with your ex or your partner’s ex, ask to set up a time to talk by phone at a later time.

Tip 3: Remember Who You Came to See

It can be tempting to take advantage of being in a crowd: you know things probably won’t become overheated because there are witnesses and the ex probably won’t do anything to embarrass themselves.

But there is a time and a place, and a kid’s activity is neither of those.  Remember that you came to relax and watch your child or stepchild engage in an activity, and you are there to support them.  By focusing on the child and not the ex, you can make sure you stay on point, which is supporting the kids.  Keep in mind that kids depend on adults to act like they’re on the same team.

The 5 Best Ways Parents Can Help Their Daughter Cope with Divorce

By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls. Most studies report that girls tend to adjust better than boys immediately following divorce.

However, several experts, such as Judith Wallerstein, have written about a “Sleeper Effect” – a delayed reaction which can trigger negative emotions and wounded trust in early adult years.  As they venture out on their own and make decisions about love and commitment, daughters of divorce may feel pessimistic about love, choose partners who are all wrong for them, and become preoccupied with the fear that their relationships will not succeed.

On the whole, children crave stability, and a girl’s desire for authentic connection is strong. The failure of a marriage falls outside of a child’s day to day experience. When compared to their male counterparts, daughters of divorce are more sensitive to this disruption. Often, a girl may feel her parents’ divorce is due to what she perceives as some defect on her part.  When her family is broken, she feels broken.  As a result, it’s important for parents and stepparents to model good communication, problem-solving and conflict resolution skills.  This is ultimately for the good of any children involved.

As a parent, it’s crucial to recognize that intimate relationships may be hard for your daughter because she didn’t have a template of a healthy, intact marriage to follow. On the other hand, E.M. Hetherington, a leading authority on divorce, points out that a successful remarriage can counteract some of the negative impact of parental divorce. Keep in mind that a girl’s relationship with her father and stepfather can help her grow into adulthood with confidence in her ability to love and be loved, providing a counterbalance to any negative impact. 

In an effort to find out more about the unique vulnerabilities that girls face after parental divorce, my daughter Tracy and I interviewed 126 women raised in divided homes. Penny, a beautiful, out-going twenty-something woman, acknowledges she had a delayed reaction to her parents’ breakup: “As a young child, I was a people pleaser and didn’t react much to my dad leaving – but it hit me like a vengeance when I was in college – I got really angry at my dad and didn’t speak to him for a few years.” Consequently, Penny endured relationships rife with infidelity and emotional abuse, because she lacked awareness and a positive male role model.

How can you help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood and move forward with an optimistic view of love and marriage? The following strategies can help your daughter cope:

• Help your daughter overcome the loss she experienced in childhood by creating a safe atmosphere for her to grieve and discuss her feelings.
• Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse as this will only promote loyalty conflicts and make it more difficult for her to heal.
• Be sensitive to the fact that your divorce can have a negative impact on your daughter’s self-esteem – find ways to encourage her to build self-worth.
• Attempt to help your daughter repair any father-daughter wounds.
• Don’t let cynicism, sadness, or anger get in the way of your daughter’s future. If you have negative views of relationships don’t pass them to her. 

In closing, while daughters of divorce possess unique vulnerabilities, they are also armed with signature strengths such as resilience and self-reliance. With greater awareness, they can learn to recognize the forces that shape them and build healthy relationships. Experiencing divorce as children can make women more careful about whom they choose for partners as adults. Daughters of divorce understand the fragility of love, but maintain a respect for its sacred place in their lives.   

Bio- Terry Gaspard is a licensed clinical social worker, college instructor, and non-fiction writer, specializing in divorce, women’s issues, children, and families. She wrote Love We Can Be Sure Of: How Daughters of Divorce Can Build Love, Trust, and Intimacy with her daughter Tracy Clifford based on their research findings. They are both daughters of divorce and Terry has been happily remarried for 15 years. Their book inspired www.movingpastdivorce.com as a way for adults to move past divorce to a place of greater happiness and peace. They offer a bi-weekly enewsletter, blogs, and other resources to promote healing and successful relationships. 

 

Many stepparents want to know “how to stepparent,” but there is no one-size-fits-all-blended-families approach to give—though there are plenty of ideas.

However, there is one universal truth all humans share in common: we like to have fun.

Blended families have enough challenges going on, so why not take a break and spend a little time planning some fun activities?

There’s something to be said about the opportunity to laugh together while enjoying positive experiences. It’s the type of bonding opportunity that creates the fabric of good relationships.

And what better time to have fun than during the warm-weather months when there are a variety of activities from which to choose and longer daylight hours within which to enjoy them?

As a stepparent, making the effort and taking the lead in planning fun activities for all to enjoy is a proactive step. It beats being reactive to all of the little blended family crises that can come up over the course of a week. Your spouse will appreciate the effort, and the big payoff is… you get to have fun managing the selection process!

You can pre-select some activities and take a family vote, or plan a surprise for everyone, giving them fun clues such as what they should wear for the day.

Here are some guidelines for how to select fun activities:

1)    Use Hobbies as a Guide

If you know your stepchild or stepchildren have a particular hobby or interest, you can use that as your launch point. For example, maybe she’s interested in dinosaurs. Scout out local museums that offer exhibits, or plan a day with a dinosaur theme that could include movies, a dinosaur-drawing contest and “prehistoric” treats that you create in the kitchen.

 

2)    Mix it Up

If you normally go to movies for family entertainment, you could try visiting a local park and taking a hike, or renting kayaks for a water-based excursion. Or, vice versa, if you normally go outside for fun, find some indoor activities that would interest kids and adults alike, such as family-themed plays or concerts.

3)    You Don’t Necessarily Need to Spend a Dime

If your budget has been putting a bit of a pinch on your fun, it doesn’t mean you need to entirely nix the idea of fun altogether. Kids have great imaginations: tap them to see what ideas they can come up with. Also, check local magazines that cater to families: they often provide a calendar of events that range from no cost to some cost involved.  You may not even be aware of all of your local resources, so start investigating!

4)    Keep it Light

No matter what you decide to do, make sure everyone knows the object of what you’re trying to accomplish: relaxing and having a good time. Put a moratorium on arguments and frowning for the duration of the activity. And if things don’t work out exactly the way you pictured them in your mind, have patience. The effort was made, and that’s worth a lot in terms of blended family relations.

Let us know how it goes for you and your blended family. We would love to hear your ideas. 

Stepdads mean well. They marry you, knowing full well they’re taking on the family package—and they do it willingly. So let’s give these intrepid souls their due.

Let’s also not become disillusioned with the differences in child-rearing opinion and methodology we may discover after the “I do.”

Learning about each other’s parenting philosophy is a conversation that you hopefully have had prior to making your vows. Even first-marrieds can have differing opinions on how to raise children: one may be a strict disciplinarian, while the other takes more of a laissez-faire approach.

You can see the potential for a clash!

If you haven’t had that conversation, it’s never too late. You may not agree with your husband’s approach to pitching in with your kids. I recommend you offer a guiding hand so he knows what your expectations are.

To begin with, understand that stepdads don’t get a lot of press, unless it’s a negative story or character in a movie. So, stepdads don’t get as much information as what’s out there for stepmothers, or they may think, “No big deal—nothing I can’t handle,” and then they enter the reality of the stepfamily dynamic and think, “I’m in over my head!”

No doubt they enter the remarriage union with the best of intentions. But if your husband runs afoul of the way you have been doing things for years… they suddenly find themselves on shaky ground when you get upset.

Chuck Semich, a licensed family therapist and RemarriageWorks advice columnist, offers the following three tips so a stepmom can guide her husband through the transition into the stepfamily:

1-    Practice Patience

If you keep in mind that your husband means well, it will help you to remember to be patient as he gets situated in his new role. Don’t become disillusioned with your dream man when you discover his beliefs about raising children are diametrically opposed to yours! He may simply not understand your preference for how you want your kids raised, and needs time to assimilate your way of doing things.

2-    Have a Calm Discussion

 

It needs to be a calm discussion, because yelling doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I would encourage stepmoms who find themselves in the position of having a different parenting style from their husband to calmly but firmly explain that they seem to have two different sets of expectations. Let him know you welcome suggestions, but that you want him to leave the parenting decisions and the parenting style up to you. Often what happens is that a stepdad thinks he’s helping his wife when he steps in with the children when they seem to be getting out of hand. In my opinion, when that happens, he is really undermining her authority with the children. She needs to tell him that, because he probably doesn’t realize it. Actually, your husband may be relieved to find out he’s not expected to rescue you from your children!

3-    Compliment, Relate, Repeat,

Some women say, “I’ve told him over and over, but it keeps happening.” If your husband didn’t hear you, it’s possible either he wasn’t listening or you didn’t express it very clearly. I think that sometimes the husbands feel they’re not doing a good job, and when it’s presented to them in a way that they hear that, they’re going to resist it. I think it’s good when you want to start that conversation, point out some of the things he’s doing well, and let him know you really appreciate what he’s done. Then say, “Here’s an area where we need to come to some agreement.” Sometimes it’s just a problem of marital communication where a good family therapist may be of help to get you started on the right path.