Positively Bonnie
Vote on Free Second Wedding (aka Encore Wedding) Contest
Second Weddings in Orange County, CA - What a Trip!
I was able to do just that. I met with some great businesses in OC that really want to serve remarrying couples and stepfamilies with their unique needs that come with planning a second wedding and forming a stepfamily. I met a fabulous event planner, Sabrina Cadini-Giacomelli, PBC of La Dolce Idea. It's clear that Sabrina truly understands what people need at their second weddings. I wish I had known her when I got remarried with kids years ago.
Remarriage Showcase for Encore Brides: Pre-Show Business Meet & Greet in OC, CA
I think it is really important to support and help remarrying couples before they marry again. Our Remarriage Showcase for Encore Brides does just that as it brings together education, resources, expert advice, support and entertainment; we are reinventing the way engaged couples prepare for their encore wedding event, remarried life, and stepfamily living!
- Saturday, 1/28, 9:30-11:00 am, Morgan Run Resort & Club, Rancho Santa Fe, CA
- Sunday, 1/29, 2:30-4:00 pm, Coto de Caza Golf & Racquet Club, Coto de Caza, CA
Here Comes Support for the Remarrying Bride
My two guests were Christy Borgeld, founder of National Stepfamily Day and Martha Wiles, a wedding planner and encore bridal specialist. Christy Borgeld, as mother of the groom, has just experienced planning a wedding in her own blended family and offers some valuable suggestions on working through stepfamily challenges during the encore wedding planning stage. And, Martha Wiles shares some really unique ideas about planning second weddings, including suggestions if you and/or your future spouse have children.
You can also catch some of their fabulous insights about remarrying, second weddings, and stepfamily blending in my book, Journal for Stepmoms as they have each contributed some helpful information to it. Tune in when your schedule allows; it's a great way to kick off your second wedding planning. Enjoy and best wishes to you on your remarriage journey!
It Isn't Too Late to Hear "Mediation Can Help in Divorce & Remarriage"
2nd Wedding Wednesday: Where Will We Live as a Stepfamily?
If your remarriage includes children, incorporate them in the search for the perfect residence. According to Jeannette Lofas, with Dawn B. Sova in Stepparenting, "look over magazines together before starting your new home and discuss the pictures in the magazines rather than argue over an actual new home with your family. If there are going to be some deep arguments about your tastes in living quarters, this is a good way to begin developing family cohesion."
One key factor in a move remarriage-style is location. The children are already overwhelmed with the adjustment of what they had viewed as their family, and now they are dealing with new family relationships. To avoid any additional trauma, keeping the kids in their same school district is probably a smart move. More quests for the perfect home are limited to a certain area for this reason.
Some blended families are comprised of more than one or two children who have been accustomed to having their own room. This may drive you to attempt to purchase a home big enough to accommodate each child. Making an effort to have the kids feel part of the family is a top priority. The last thing you want to hear is "Why do I have to share a room, and he/she doesn't?" Or, "Why do I have to change schools, and he/she doesn't?"
Many remarrying couples try to keep everyone happy. That's a major challenge. And, finding a new house can be a financial burden. For couples who are remarrying and older, the idea of buying a five bedroom house when retirement is just around the corner may not seem reasonable.
Despite all the challenges and accommodations that go into selecting the perfect roof for your stepfamily to live under, finding a home is just another step in the so-called blending process. Remarriage and stepfamily living is a journey. And, it is one to handle with care down to the smallest detail.
2nd Wedding Wednesday: Your Second Wedding With Kids
First, if you have or want a great relationship with your children or stepchildren-to-be, I highly recommend that you don't exclude them from your wedding. I have heard stories about couples not including their children, and I truly believe your kids should be a part of your wedding event in some way, the very least of which is to be invited. After all, when you get remarried with kids, the reality is you are bringing families together; there is more to consider than just you and your spouse.
"One of the most complicated aspects of stepfamilies is figuring out the issues of belonging - who feels 'in' and who doesn't," according to Jean McBride, author of Encouraging Words for New Stepmothers. Assuming the children want to be included, here are some ways to include them after you get engaged to remarry:
- Create opportunities for parents who are about to become stepparents to spend time with their stepchildren during the wedding planning phase (e.g., enjoy a make-up session or spa day; shop for wedding attire together; have a pre-wedding picnic; let the "guys" in the newly forming family have their own version of a "bachelor" party on a paintball excursion or golf outing, etc.).
- Let the kids help sample the wedding food from the wedding venue beforehand. Allow them to create a kid's menu to enjoy at the wedding reception. Have a cake designed just for them that celebrates a new family coming together.
- Include unique second wedding favors for them. Consider having entertainment for them. When I remarried, we had an antique fire engine on which the kids could take rides, and it presented some great photo opportunities, too.
- Encourage your kids to participate in your wedding ceremony. Older children can recite a reading or a poem. Or, your entire stepfamily can participate in a sand layering ceremony.
- Present your children with a wedding gift or keepsake so they can be recognized and have a treasure to help remember the day.
- Have a special dance with them. For many kids, they will want to feel connected to you on that day.
Remarriage and Money: The Devil is in the Details
Strong warnings about the combination of remarriage and financial problems have been issued in a flurry of press coverage recently. If you are planning to remarry, I urge you to read them. But, don't get buried with worry or fear. Instead take a positive approach as a remarrying couple and have healthy discussions about the content. Dig deep into the details as much as possible.
I wish I had. Before my husband and I remarried, we thought we had thoroughly discussed our finances and philosophies about money. We talked about our intentions about our children's college educations and thought we were on the same page. Several years later when it came time for my stepdaughter to go to college, we realized that we hadn't explored the topic between us in enough detail.
Happy reading and discussions to you! There is plenty of material here about remarriage, stepfamily living, finances, and money to get you started. Just promise me you won't run scared for the hills!
- The Case Against Remarriage by Catey Hill, SmartMoney.com
- Are You Remarrying? If So, Don't Forget the Financial Implications by Meghan Streit, Erickson Living Tribune
- What a Second Marriage Does to Your Money by Jill Krasny, MainStreet.com
- Blended Families Require Financial Planning by Matt Krantz, USAToday.com
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