Renee Canali and I explored how our stepchildren reflect back to us what we need to change or adopt in our relationship with them, and she shared some exercises to help you shift your mindset and help you think about you and your role in your stepfamily from a different perspective.
Positively Bonnie
A Great Bonus for Stepparents Who Want to Change Their Mindset!
Renee Canali and I explored how our stepchildren reflect back to us what we need to change or adopt in our relationship with them, and she shared some exercises to help you shift your mindset and help you think about you and your role in your stepfamily from a different perspective.
LeAnn Rimes, Gary Busey, and Huh? A Call for Better Stepmom Reporting!
You see, I had tweeted, "'What a good stepmom!' for shopping w/ stepsons. More to being a good stepmom than shopping. Let's hear it." And, once again I learned a lesson about communicating on-line whether it be via email, Twitter, or whatever else. Most of us have had the experience of our thoughts and even feelings being interpreted differently than we had intended.
Here's the real point I wanted to make in my tweet, and I am so thrilled that I have more than Twitter's 140 characters in which to say it. I wish the media would cover remarriage and stepfamilies in a more positive way. (By the way, I just tweeted the preceding sentence because it fit into a tweet.)
That paragraph that opened with "What a good Stepmom!" didn't really do justice to what LeAnn or the majority of stepmothers do every day for their stepchildren. It pointed out that: their family was enjoying a shopping outing; she was wearing leopard print shorts while browsing; she ran into Gary Busey; and, she returned to the area for a romantic meal with her husband later that day. That's it!
I'm just not getting how the opening line connects in any way with the rest of the paragraph. Good stepmoms do more than shop with their stepkids, and I think the column contributed to the unfair picture of remarriage and stepfamilies that is often painted. (Read more about this in my column entitled, "On ReMarriage: Hollywood Paints an Unfair Picture" in The Washington Times.)
I'm pretty certain that LeAnn Rimes, like most other stepmoms, did a lot more that day to be a good stepmom than what was portrayed. And, regardless of what people think about her, her marriage and the circumstances in her and her family's personal lives, which I was quickly informed about by people whom I doubt even know her in a flurry of Twitter activity, my point was and is this:
Attention media! Let's please hear more about the positive, inspiring, loving things that stepmothers do every day for their stepchildren. I'm not looking for "The Brady Bunch" model, nor am I trying to be a Pollyanna. But, when will the media provide us a broader range of views of stepfamily and remarried life?
I invite LeAnn Rimes and the millions of other stepmothers to join me in calling for a shift in the way media covers stepmoms. Let's talk about about stepfamily life, its challenges, and more importantly, real solutions.
2nd Wedding Wednesday: Your Second Wedding With Kids
First, if you have or want a great relationship with your children or stepchildren-to-be, I highly recommend that you don't exclude them from your wedding. I have heard stories about couples not including their children, and I truly believe your kids should be a part of your wedding event in some way, the very least of which is to be invited. After all, when you get remarried with kids, the reality is you are bringing families together; there is more to consider than just you and your spouse.
"One of the most complicated aspects of stepfamilies is figuring out the issues of belonging - who feels 'in' and who doesn't," according to Jean McBride, author of Encouraging Words for New Stepmothers. Assuming the children want to be included, here are some ways to include them after you get engaged to remarry:
- Create opportunities for parents who are about to become stepparents to spend time with their stepchildren during the wedding planning phase (e.g., enjoy a make-up session or spa day; shop for wedding attire together; have a pre-wedding picnic; let the "guys" in the newly forming family have their own version of a "bachelor" party on a paintball excursion or golf outing, etc.).
- Let the kids help sample the wedding food from the wedding venue beforehand. Allow them to create a kid's menu to enjoy at the wedding reception. Have a cake designed just for them that celebrates a new family coming together.
- Include unique second wedding favors for them. Consider having entertainment for them. When I remarried, we had an antique fire engine on which the kids could take rides, and it presented some great photo opportunities, too.
- Encourage your kids to participate in your wedding ceremony. Older children can recite a reading or a poem. Or, your entire stepfamily can participate in a sand layering ceremony.
- Present your children with a wedding gift or keepsake so they can be recognized and have a treasure to help remember the day.
- Have a special dance with them. For many kids, they will want to feel connected to you on that day.
For Moms and Stepmoms: Peace Starts at Home Summit
In the meantime, there is another unique event you should know about. Have you heard about Peace Starts at Home, a summit for bringing mothers and stepmothers together?
Peace Starts at Home, "dedicated to the idea that bringing mothers and stepmothers together, will create greater peace and a healthy environment for children of divorced parents," was created by Ellen Gottlieb. It will be held on May 18 in Brooklyn, NY and will feature a play, "illustrating how gridlock between a mom and stepmom can be broken" and a panel of experts.
I'm really excited to be on the panel of experts, along with Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One's the Bitch; A Ten Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship; Jeanette Lofas, Ph.D., LCSW, Founder and President of the Stepfamily Foundation; and Brenda Ockun, publisher of Stepmom Magazine; to discuss issues related to mother-stepmother relationships.
I love Ellen's concept. And, I've read the featured play, The Other Mother, by Isidore Elias. You won't want to miss this. This play is truly unique and eye-opening, and it isn't just for stepmoms and moms. I think everyone that is connected to a stepfamily would benefit from understanding the dynamics of the mother-stepmother relationship.
Mohandas Ghandi said, "If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children." (source of quote)
Thank you, Ellen for reminding us that peace must start in our own homes.
Fascinating Stepmom Art: You May Not Believe Your Eyes
I admit up front I have no background in the study of art. I can tell you I find her exhibit compelling. The pictures struck several chords in me, evoked emotion, and made me stop to think about my own stepmom experience. On top of that, I started thinking about stepmotherhood in our society in general.
And, don't miss the accompanying essay, "Disturbing the Piece(s): Re-Viewing the Role of 'the Other Mother'" by Jane E. Hindman, Professor, Department of Rhetoric and Writing Studies, San Diego State University.
I've talked about having a future National Stepfamily Summit, and wouldn't it be great to have this artwork displayed there? Take a look and let me know what you think.
Don't Settle for Mediocre in Your Remarriage, And Get a Bonus, Too!
If you want more effective communication in your remarriage, a more exciting and healthy sex life, and more respect and trust, consider Secrets of Happy Couples. Kim surveyed 100 happy couples and prominent relationship experts. According to Gary Chapman, Ph.D., author of The Five Love Languages (another favorite book of mine), "If you wonder what it takes to be happy as a couple, this book is for you...Olver is breaking exciting new ground."
Remarriages often face a lot of pressure; it's obvious with the divorce rate for second marriages being 65-70%. You can relieve some of the pressure by checking out this book. And, as an added incentive, if you buy Secrets of Happy Couples, you can get 25% off of Journal for Stepmoms which is an invaluable tool for stepmothers and stepmoms-to-be.
If you purchase Kim's book now, you will receive more than 60 phenomenal free gifts valued at over $3,500. Check them out! I know you may be thinking that this is a typical marketing gimmick. But, I assure you that I think Secrets of Happy Couples is so helpful that I have shared it with some very special people in my own stepfamily life.
Stepfamily Support Groups: Definitely Worth a Try
Contrary to what some people may picture, support groups aren't always comprised of grieving people sitting in a circle crying their eyes out with tissues and a counselor. Support groups are basically "a gathering of people who share a common health concern or interest," according to "Support Groups: Make Connections, Get Help," by The Mayo Clinic staff.
Check out the Mayo Clinic staff's article to better understand the benefits of support groups and how to find one. You can read about questions to ask before joining a group, support group red flags, and how to get the most out of a support group experience.
If you are averse to stepfamily counseling, I encourage you to check out a support group. It is a place to share ideas, discuss problems and solutions, and such groups can be great sources of hope and inspiration.
My husband and I attended a stepfamily support group early in our marriage and that experience provided us a lot of hope when we faced some tough times. It was encouraging to listen to people who had been remarried for over 20 years as they reassured us that they, too, faced and more importantly, made it through rough spots such as ours.
If you don't feel like talking in a support group, you don't have to. In a support group I facilitated for families of children with Type 1 (juvenile) diabetes, we often had expert guest speakers who fielded questions and answers. This format could work in stepfamily support groups, too. You could invite a family law attorney to discuss joint custody issues, or a school counselor to talk about how the school and co-parents can better partner to ensure their children thrive in school as well as in two homes.
For stepmothers, stepfathers, and biological parents, I recommend a free national stepfamily (call-in) support group that is hosted by Yaffa Balsam, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in CA. I think she has a great idea with this group. At the very least, it is a great way to see if a stepfamily support group is for you. I listened in to her group on August 16, 2010, and I thought the discussion was helpful, informative, and inspiring.
No one cried that I know of. I challenge you to try it at least once. And, if you have been happily remarried for years, perhaps you can share your wisdom and experience with others who may just be starting out.
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Comments
to keep our family together?
more depleted you allow yourself to get, the less of you there will be to share. Try these steps: 1. Write down your uncensored thoughts about a given situation. (The Journal for StepMoms is an inspiring and encouraging place to do this). 2. Let it be for
a day or so. Then go back and read what you wrote. • If your stepchildren heard you say what you wrote, how would they feel? • Take a minute or two to reflect on one thing you could handle differently. 3. Give yourself credit for every little change you make,
every word of understanding and encouragement you give. 4. Give to others what you so desperately want for yourself. If you want to be first in your relationship with your husband, make a practice of putting him first. The strength you have demonstrated these
last 7 years can go three ways: It can diminish as your attention is given to the ex-wife’s behaviors. It can increase as you turn your focus towards that which you want. It can remain tenuous and strained as you attempt to hold everything together. Nothing
is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings. Ralph Blum