Positively Bonnie
Top Secrets of Stepfathers
A New Stepfamily Term Beyond Blended and Bonus
Some terms that made me smile were: "lumpy families," "the majority,""fixed families," and "a box of cereal...a bunch of fruits, nuts, and flakes." On a more serious note, Giselle Minoli, who writes a very insightful stepparenting column on examiner.com, recently informed me about www.Para-Kin.com, a website founded by Debra Chernick, a family court attorney in Rhode Island.
According to her website, "our mission is to add words to our vocabulary and dictionary which will accurately reflect, describe and embrace the evolving family relationships through the promotion of 'para-kin' (which is trademarked by the way) terms." I guess I'd be a "Para-mom," and I like the idea of being "P-mom." It seems like a natural fit with "Bonnie" anyway.
While some of my stepfamily members may connect me better with the cereal suggestion, I highly recommend you take a look at Debra Chernick's www.Para-Kin website. It definitely provides food for thought.
The Seven-Year Mark: Don't Expect to Itch or Blend
Now the realist in me knew that I wasn't going to wake up the first morning of my eighth year of remarriage and from then on experience a state of full-time bliss. And, for the most part, our stepfamily relationships were going much more smoothly in our seventh year than they were in our first year. But, I must admit that I've had some challenging days where I felt down because our stepfamily relationships weren't going as well as I thought they should be by a certain time.
According to Dr. Patricia Papernow, a psychologist who specializes in issues in stepfamilies, remarried couples, and post-divorce parenting and author of Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families, the process of stepfamilies coming together can take from four to 12 years. Hearing that makes me feel better on the days when we still have some sticky issues. But, as our stepfamily counselor has pointed out to me many times, I need to stop setting expectations like this. (Yes, Chuck, it's finally sinking in.)
Setting up an expectation about how many years it takes to successfully blend is a double-edged sword. It can be a good thing because it can provide you hope and a sense that it takes many stepfamilies years to come together. Just don't let yourself feel bad if you still have the same challenges after the anniversaries pass. And, know that some stepfamilies never fully come together.
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