How to Approach Your Ex-Spouse for Extra Expenses

Uniforms, costumes for performances, dental bills, out-of-pocket medical expenses… how should divorced couples handle these extra expenses for their children?

Money is a tough issue for marrieds, and it often remains a battleground after the divorce—especially when kids are involved.

Divorce debt is one thing: those debts accrued during the marriage can be worked out in the divorce paperwork.

What we’re talking about are the extras that kids always require, whether it’s new shoes because their feet have outgrown their sneakers yet again, money for a school trip, or weekly spending money.

For the ex-spouse paying child support, they may feel that they are already doing everything they should that’s required of them legally. Child support goes to helping with the expenses related to raising a child—the same as if the biological parents were still together. 

Child support payments are determined through different means, but generally the incomes of both parents are taken into account as well as child care expenses.

But any parent with a school-age child knows, every time you turn around, there is money needed for something.

Parents who receive child support may be hesitant to approach their ex-spouse and ask for any additional money for things they feel are above and beyond child support payments.

On the internet, you can find calculators to help figure out how much it costs to raise a child to the age of 18. The USDA issued their newest figure this year for this measure: a child born in 2011 will cost $235,000 for middle-income parents to raise to age 18. Factors that affect the number include where you live in the country, food, clothing, health care and those ubiquitous “miscellaneous expenses.”

So if you are hesitant in approaching your ex-spouse to help out with some of those “above and beyond” expenses, keep that number in mind as you prepare to ask to split costs.

Here are 3 tips for approaching the subject with your ex-spouse:

1-    Keep track of monthly expenses.

There is a lot of resentment that can come about related to money when ex-spouses talk. Both parents may be struggling separately to stay on top of bills, or the parent paying the child support may feel their hardship is greater because they see that “chunk of money” coming out of their income each month.

It’s important that the parent who receives the child support payments keep track of child-related expenses. Keeping a record isn’t so you can play a game of tit for tat; rather, it is to show that there is a lot that goes into raising your beautiful children, beyond just food on the table and the roof over their head. You are doing your share, too, and the main goal is to provide the best you can—within both parents’ means—for your children.

2-    Ask your ex-spouse for a meeting.

Asking for money from an ex-spouse can be uncomfortable. Keep in mind that your goal is to provide the best you can with the means you have for your children. You can broach the subject with your ex-spouse with something like this: “I wanted to take a little time to discuss some things about the kids with you. Can you give me a half hour of your time this week?”

Then, when you talk, explain that you have been over your expenses, and you have a lot of additional expenses they may not be aware of. Share the record of what types of things you spend on. It’s recommended you don’t start the conversation with, “We need an extra $200 a month…” as this has no explanation attached to it yet and no doubt you will be met with defensiveness.

Take a diplomatic approach, where you are seeking a solution to a problem rather than allowing things to devolve into accusations and acrimony. Ask your ex-spouse if they are able to contribute some to these extras, or if there are extras they feel should be cut. Maybe this isn’t the year that Little Johnny can go out for football. Maybe braces will have to wait for Cindy.  

3-    Consider a mediator.

Some divorced people can’t even be in the same room together let alone have a civil conversation. But if you have children together, the kids come first—ahead of the hurt feelings and history.

Consider going to a mediator to work out any issues that you can’t work out together where the kids are concerned. A skilled mediator can help you reach a solution that benefits your kids—moving you past those emotional roadblocks that might otherwise stifle good solutions.

Let us know…

Have you been in the situation of asking your ex-spouse for help with the extras?

If so, what was their response?

Do you feel that there’s ever enough money each month to cover child-rearing expenses?

Plan Some Family Fun at Your Local Oktoberfest

When you hear the term “Oktoberfest,” do you think of seasonal, pumpkin-flavored beer or do you start humming “The Chicken Dance” in German Polka style?

Oktoberfest is all about celebrating the fall bounties, sort of a German flavored pre-Thanksgiving. The tradition of Oktoberfest began in Munich, Germany. The year was 1810 and the occasion was to honor Bavarian Crown Prince Ludwig’s marriage to Princess Therese von Sachsen-Hildburghausen.

The Oktoberfest is a two-week holiday held each year in Munich, Germany during late September and early October. It is attended by six million people each year and has inspired numerous similar events using the name Oktoberfest in Germany and around the world.

German immigrants carried the tradition to the United States. According to American Community Survey in 2010 data, Americans reporting German ancestry made up an estimated 17.1% of the total U.S. population, and form the largest ancestry group ahead of Irish Americans, African Americans and English Americans.

Here are a few of the festivities across the nation this October where you can raise your stein and celebrate German heritage with music, food and beer. If you’ve never been to one of these festivals, it is great fun for the children and parents alike. Everyone is encouraged to dance, and festivals often have “shoe platter” dancers, who know and perform the traditional dances. And almost everyone can manage the chicken dance, from the smallest child to the oldest member of the family.

Catch the Oktoberfest spirit, and you’ll be sporting your own lederhosen in no time.

Visit a local Oktoberfest and learn when the time is appropriate to say “Ziggy Zaggy, Ziggy Zaggy, Hoi Hoi Hoi!”

Lake Worth, FL — Join the city of Lake Worth in hosting its 39th annual Oktoberfest complete with traditional folk dancing and German cooking on the second and third weekend of October 10/12-10/14 and 10/19-10/21.

Helen, GA — Though Helen is really in Georgia’s Appalachians, the tiny village fancies itself as being in the Bavarian Alps and presents a two-month Oktoberfest every day from 9/20-10/28.

Fredericksburg, TX — Fredericksburg, a small Texas town at the gateway to the Hill Country Wine Trail, reveals a strong German heritage with its Oktoberfest from 10/5-10/7.

Big Bear Lake, CA — Big Bear Lake, a year-round alpine playground in the San Bernardino Mountains, hosts the Big Bear Oktoberfest every weekend from 9/15-10/27.

Kitchener-Waterloo  -Kitchener, Ontario, North America's largest Oktoberfest, with 15 beer tents. It also is later than most, coinciding with Canadian Thanksgiving. Last year, 150,000 visitors came for the opening parade. There's a broad slate of activities. 10/ 5-10/13  oktoberfest.ca

Tulsa, OK – tulsaoktoberfest.org, (918)744-9700, in its 32nd year and has an ultra-competitive beer-barrel race. A carnival atmosphere pervades with rides and arts and crafts. 10/18-10/21.

Windsor, VT. - Harpoon Oktoberfest, harpoonbrewery.com, one of New England's top microbreweries, hosts Oktoberfest at its facility in Vermont. It's held right at the brewery, so while you're there take a tour. 10/6-10/7

A lot of venues celebrate their Oktoberfest in late September, so you may need to search your local online events resource or newspaper for one in your area.

Let us know…

What is your favorite fall festival?

Have you ever attended an Oktoberfest?

Do you feel your blended family enjoys these events spent together?

4 Tips for Pulling the Plug on Negative Energy

You’re broken up, and now your ex is stressing you out.

After a couple breaks up, there is inevitably going to be some level of tension between them—especially if you share kids and custody. Add to that any property you hold together, unresolved hurts and disappointments and watching each other move on, and there is bound to some stress.

Maybe you were the one who decided to end things, or you mutually agreed, knowing it was for the best.

But now, your ex seems to be seething with anger at you for actually moving forward with your life. Or, things were rosy between you and your ex until you met someone new, got involved and closer, and either moved in together or you married them. Your ex may feel some sadness and jealousy—something that is difficult for anyone to admit to.

For a lot of people, this is a sign that things are truly “over,” and they can react in strange ways.

For example, you and your ex used to have no problem making arrangements about what time to pick up children or who would handle taking them to a dental appointment. But suddenly, your ex is lashing out and causing you a great deal of stress by being uncooperative, or not showing up when they are supposed to, or doing one of countless things to show just how ticked they are at you.

How dare you move on, right?

When you are feeling stressed out by your ex and it’s causing you a great deal of upset and aggravation, it’s time to step back and analyze the negative energy—and then put a constructive stop to it. Here are 4 tips for how to do that:

• Isolate each incident: Let’s not discount your own emotional aspects when it comes to dealing with an ex. You may feel extra-sensitive to their negative moods, as it carries you back to a place you probably want to forget. If you aren’t careful, the negative attitude that you are getting from your ex can get blown into something bigger in your world, simply because there are a lot of feelings and history attached to this person.  And if you’re not careful, it can be carried into your new relationship, discoloring your mood and tiring you out. If you are feeling upset by something your ex has done or said, try to look at the incident as an isolated thing. Think of a news report: who, what, when, where, why. In your mind, keep it to just the facts and be wary of coloring the incident with the wand of ghosts past.

• Consider the source: When your ex is pushing your buttons, it can be an enormous challenge to remember that this person is only human—especially when they are behaving in such a monstrous way. But consider what may be prompting the negative reaction. Usually it stems from hurt, jealousy, abandonment issues, the emotional works. When you look at it from the deeply human aspect, it may help you to take a deep enough breath to tackle the next tip.

• Have a calm discussion: If your ex is behaving in such a way that it is negatively affecting you and/or your children, call a time-out. Ask to meet in a neutral place, such as a coffee shop, or if you can’t abide a face-to-face, arrange a phone meeting. Express your concerns to your ex by using very specific details. For example: “When you yelled at me in front of Little Annie, she thought she had done something wrong. I don’t want any of us to feel bad, so in the future when you are upset with me or I’m upset with you, can we agree to use a neutral tone of voice?”

• Pre-plan your discussion: What’s difficult when having a discussion with an ex is the temptation to go back and rehash past sins, transgressions, and hurt feelings. One thing that can help you stay on track is to have notes, an outline or a script. By planning ahead, you know what you want to discuss and you can plan the outcome you hope to achieve, and it will help you stick to the issue at hand. Also, remind yourself—even if you have to write it in your notes—to listen to your ex’s point of view with an objective mindset.

Let us know…

Does your ex stress you out?

If so, what does your ex do, or not do, that causes you stress?

How is it impacting your life and new relationship, or your kids?

And Sneaky Educational Opportunities…

Fall is officially here and it is time for rollicking good, outdoors-based family fun. The temperatures are mostly cooperative, the kids are back in school, and weekends can often take on a more relaxed feel than those of the summer.

One of the more fun ways to spend fall weekends is by attending one of the many Fall Festivals that are offered in towns large and small. These mostly family-friendly events provide the opportunity to get outside on a crisp day, walk around, eat, spend time together—and potentially sneak in some education disguised as fun.

Types of festivals include:

1-    Arts and crafts

2-    Music

3-    Foliage

4-    Seasonal food-based

5-    Ethnic

6-    Historic

Most festivals combine elements of all of these, providing entertainment on multiple levels. Arts and crafts vendors often set up alongside food vendors in a variety of these themed festivals. Some festivals can have juried arts and crafts with vendors competing for prizes, while others offer seasonal wreaths and other items for the home or for gift-giving season.

Ethnic festivals are usually themed around a particular culture. For example, Oktoberfests are popular and a way to expose kids and adults to German culture. Family members can learn traditional folk dances while listening to traditional German folk music—something you would never normally get a child to put on their iPhones. It’s also an opportunity to try foods that you may not usually have at home, including a variety of sausages, potato salad and desserts.

You can find ethnic festivals for any ethnicity and immerse yourself in another culture for a day. The kids will be so entertained, they won’t realize they are learning something on their “day off.”

Music festivals are popular, because the nice weather makes sitting still more enjoyable than during the more humid months. Bluegrass, jazz and blues festivals are popular, and of course there are always food vendors ready to serve.

Food and harvest festivals include celebrations of pumpkins, blueberries, apples—anything that is edible and harvested in the fall. These are often combined with traditional family activities such as picking pumpkins, picking apples, hayrides and mazes.

Festivals provide the perfect opportunity for blended families and stepfamilies to bond over a shared activity, fun and food. Also, many are offered all weekend long, so any football fans in the house surely can’t object to at least one afternoon outing.

Let us know:

What is your favorite festival, and why?

Have you had a good stepfamily bonding experience through attendance of a festival?

Learn the Rules and Plan Early

Finding a way to pay for your children's college education is a challenge for most families whether it’s a "traditional" two-parent household, a single parent household or a household with a blended family.

There are unique opportunities and challenges facing blended families, which we will go over in a minute. First, remember these three things that apply to all families:

1) College expense planning must always be considered in the context of overall family financial planning. College can be very expensive. Families have debts to pay, savings’ needs, and everyday expenses, and few have enough money to do everything all at the same time. Work the numbers and decide how much you can afford.

2) Parental needs should always trump college funding needs. There are many ways to pay for college but the only way most people can pay for retirement is to save, save, save.

3) Debt for college funding should be minimized if not eliminated all together.

2 Main Types of Financial Aid

There are two types of formal financial aid. There is Federal financial aid, which can come in the form of grants and subsidized loans. Other financial aid may be available through the college itself in the form of grants, loans, and scholarships, and is called "Institutional" financial aid.

Filling out the free application for Federal Student Aid or FAFSA form gets the financial aid process started. This form is available from the Department of Education and it must be filed annually with the school where the student intends to enroll. Each school and state has its own filing deadline so be sure to submit your form on time. It is always a good idea to submit it as soon as possible after January 1st of each year because many needs-based grants are offered on a first come, first served basis

Blended Family Considerations for Financial Aid

There are rules and formulas that apply to federal financial aid and this is where it gets interesting for blended families.

One of the elements that determine how much aid your student will get is the EFC (Expected Family Contribution). The EFC is calculated in accordance with the parents’ and student’s income and resources. Generally, students qualify for more aid as the EFC goes lower. The key to determining parental income and resources for children of divorced parents is with whom the child spent the most time during the previous twelve months. It does not matter who pays child support or who gets to take the child as a tax deduction. What matters is where the child lived. Let’s look at an example:

Mom and Dad divorce. They have one child who lives with Mom. Dad pays child support and has weekend custody. Whether by decree or agreement, Dad’s going to pay for college costs. Dad is a relatively low-earning teacher who remarries a divorced waitress with three children of her own who live with her. Her former husband is in prison. Mom remarries the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, a self-made multi-millionaire who has never been married and thinks children should pay their own way through school like he did.  Dad applies for financial aid thinking this is going to be a slam dunk because let’s  face it, he’s broke. Imagine his surprise when his child qualifies for no federal aid because the household in which the child lives is filthy rich!

In this example, Dad would be smart to have his child apply for “Institutional” aid through the college. On the surface, the child would not qualify, but most institutions have an appeal process where a respectful and well-worded letter may provide some relief.

How could this have been avoided? Actually, it would have been pretty easy. The child was already spending 104 days a year with Dad. Just 79 more and Dad’s household would be the household of record.

There are other blended family issues as well. For example, let’s assume that the child lives with Dad but Mom’s new husband wants to help pay for school. Will this cause the child to be turned down for aid? No, but stepdad’s money “gift” needs to be reported as the child’s asset, making the child richer and reducing the need for aid.   

The point is, you need to know the rules and you need to make a plan long before it becomes a crisis. Most parents, divorced or not, want to do what’s best for their children and like all money issues, communication is the key. 

     

Frank Boucher, CEBS, CFP® is the owner of Boucher Financial Planning Services in Reston, Virginia.  

What Does the Fall Line-up Have Lined Up for Blended Families?

When you think of television shows featuring traditional families, you may think back to the old Leave it to Beaver episodes or even The Addams Family.

What do you think of when you hear “blended family television shows?” You may not be as quick to respond, but actually, blended families have had a fair amount of representation in the world of television.

Although not the first blended family to be shown on television (Make Room for Daddy and Bonanza both featured stepfamilies), The Brady Bunch was aired by ABC from 1969 to 1974 during a time when divorce and remarriage were on the rise in the United States. The first season was especially centered on the six children who were learning how to live together and operate as a family unit. Of all the family drama they did have, they never seemed to have to deal with the absent parents’ families. There were no extenuating blended-family dramas such as Grandparents-in-law carting just their three biological grandkids off for special occasions or other awkward situations.

For nearly a decade we’ve had Two and a Half Men, aired by CBS since 2003, and faithful viewers have watched as Jake, the “Half” portion of the title, grew up and the comedy ensue as he was swapped back and forth between his parents’ homes. Now his uncle Charlie is gone and Jake has left the paternal nest to join the Army. Is this a spin-off possibility? Perhaps Jake will meet a nice young girl and have a son to continue the show with his own “Half Man.”

Until that happens, be on the lookout for these three blended family shows from the Fall line-up:

1. The Disney channel has come out with Dog with a Blog this season, a show for the tweens about a blended family, but written from the family pet’s perspective. A family adopts a dog named Stan in the hope that two feuding stepsiblings will bond over the pet. It works when the siblings soon find out that that the dog can talk and write. The Disney premiere will be Friday night, October 12th.
2. Ben and Kate is a new network comedy, and it follows a pair of odd-couple siblings and their friends as they push each other out of their comfort zones and into real life. What happens when an optimistic dreamer moves in with his overly responsible little sister to help raise her five-year-old daughter?  It’s not a stepfamily, but it is representational of the alternative family dynamic that seems to be replacing the traditional nuclear family in our culture today. This show begins Tuesday, September 25th at 8:30/7:30c on Fox.
3. First aired in 2009, ABC will continue to air Modern Family on September 25th. Done in "mockumentary" style, Modern Family revolves around three families that are related through Jay Pritchett (Ed O'Neill) and his family. Jay, the patriarch of the family, has recently remarried a woman who has a son. Jay's daughter has a husband and three children. Jay's son and his life partner have adopted a Vietnamese baby. This blended family has it all: stepchildren, adopted children, second marriages, and a gay couple. This season promises to be every bit as award-winning as last.

Now stop and try to think of any current shows that have traditional families… can you think of any?

In the comments section below, let us know your thoughts on families as they’re represented on television, and what your favorite was or currently is.

Former School Counselor Pat Bubash Shares Her Unique Perspective

RemarriageWorks spoke with Pat Bubash, author of Successful Second Marriages and a now retired school counselor, to get the inside scoop on stepfamilies from a school counselor’s experience. Pat offers her perspective and some great insight into the challenges of blending a family and how she witnessed first-hand the impact on kids. She also offers some advice on what to expect, and what it may be like from the kids’ perspective.

How does being in a stepfamily make life a little different for students?

That’s one of the reasons I wrote my book. I had an open-door policy in my office. If I didn’t have something scheduled, my door was open. You get a lot of insight when people can just come in as needed. A lot of conversations over the years were with parents or kids or even grandparents when there was a remarriage.

It’s a difficult transition. It’s even difficult when the kid likes the stepparent because the composition of family life becomes different then. If the stepparent has children and they come over, those living in the house have to learn to share – their room, their time. I think that’s one area that has a big impact on kids, and when they find they have to share time with their parent.

There are so many factors involved that make blended marriage so difficult. One of the stories in my book is about one couple who in five years’ time, separated four times. Not because they didn’t love each other, but there were four kids among them and they drove them nuts. The kids didn’t want their parents to be married again – they were quite fine with how things were. Now the kids have moved on, and the couple is very happy.

What would prompt a student to come to you?

An advocate, an ear. I’ve always told kids this: even if they’re coming in to complain about a parent, what was said to me was between us. If they came to say they’re really mad at mom or didn’t like their stepmom or stepdad, it was safe. If they came in and said they were going to hurt somebody – that was different. Kids knew they could come in and tell me whatever was on their mind. It was safe with me and they could trust me. Then, it’s like any of us: you get something off your chest, and then you can go back and deal with it. I felt I had more of a rapport because I knew what it was like from my own experience. I think it made the relationship between my students and myself a closer one.

What would prompt parents to come to you?

Well, thinking I could – again – listen to their frustration and anger. I’ll give you an example. There were two kids, they were really great kids, in elementary school, and their dad was single. He was a very good dad, very involved. He was a lawyer, successful, and they lived with him full time. He met a woman who was a school counselor for their district. He was smitten with her. He’d been so super-involved with his kids, but he now needed time to woo this woman, and the kids’ behavior really changed. They became more difficult, not so pleasant and challenging with him. He came to the office, the only time he came in there, and he said how much he was in love with this woman. I said, “You may be, but it doesn’t mean they are, and you were there first for them.” It didn’t mean the kids were on board.

He was so involved with his kids and there for them, and then trying to have a relationship with this woman – he wasn’t even thinking how it affected them. He thought because he was so happy, everyone should be so happy. Your kids were there first. I tell parents, you are maybe forgetting they have a parent: the person you’re divorced from. They may not be your spouse, but they’re still their parent.

If parents took time to build a friendship first, they had a better chance. I was never quiet about the fact that I was a divorced person, which gives some credibility to what you’re talking about. I think that’s such a big problem with people who want to remarry, and more than half of people who divorce want to remarry. When they find someone again they think “finally” and they want everyone to be happy with that person, too.

It’s different for kids: it’s not their biological parent, and now they have to share you and your time – and sometimes your finances. It’s a lot of being willing to share everything, and I find teenagers are most unhappy about this and they’re in their own world and don’t want to be involved with what’s going on with their parents. They feel the focus should be on them. Little kids are easier: you go out play ball with them, and spend time with them, and they’re young enough to build that rapport. For teenagers, as far as they’re concerned, it’s “my world is the most important world right now.”

We all want somebody, but the kids were there first. And when you put them first, it’s to the detriment of a new relationship. I guess it’s like the couple who separated all those times… if you can wait it out until those kids are out of the house, it’s probably an easier transition and might even be better. Otherwise, it could be a lot of stress on your life. It’s not an easy thing; couples need to talk to a counselor, share the family dynamics and its composition. Understand how kids feel about it rather than how the adults feel about it.

Why would a grandparent approach school counselor?

There are times, more often than not, when their child divorces, especially if it’s a daughter-in-law involved and they don’t get to see the children as much, or even at all. Women are like this more than men: they are so angry at that ex-spouse, they remove their kids from the grandparents. Unfortunately, the grandparents get caught in the middle of it all. I love my mother-in-law – she was the best. I allowed my kids to spend time with her and love her. But that’s not the majority: the animosity, hurt - it’s one way to get back at your spouse by keeping them from those grandparents. It’s hard to recall that these grandparents were part of the kids’ life and need to continue to be. And grandparents need to understand that they need to stay out of that disagreement going on: they have to be uninvolved with what’s going on with the couple. Even with their own kids, they should not take sides. My mother-in-law managed to pull that off, but I know she felt I was the better parent.

I imagine school work is affected. What is your advice to a couple about to blend their family?

They need to not expect their kids to be as in love with this person as they are. And when children are involved, make sure you have family dinners together, but continue to let the biological parent have time with their own kids. If they want to go somewhere with them, don’t think you automatically have to become this family and share. If they only see their kids on weekends, give them time to do something together because they don’t get a lot of time. They need that time with their parent. I really think that’s important.

Don’t expect right off the bat that everything has to be done altogether, that everything has to be shared. I think that’s where resentment really gets built up. For kids not living with their biological parent, they really need that time with their parent. It builds up animosity when it’s not honored. They think the stepparent gets to see their parent all the time, while they’re their child and they don’t, and think ‘how fair is that?’

And when changes are being made, the parents should let the school know. Teachers know when kids are acting different and acting up. They’d come to me and ask me “What’s going on?” If there are any changes in family composition, let the school counselor know: it’s what they’re there for. Counselors are there to help – a resource.

3 Tips for Coping with the Dual-Household Dilemma

“But, at my other house I get to…”

Is there a more dreaded argument from a child than the old comparison standby of how everyone else in the whole entire world does things and so we-should-too?

It’s one thing to hear how “all the other kids” do things in their homes, and quite another to have your house rules stacked up against those of the other custodial parent—especially with how homework is handled.

With kids back in school now, homework wars are common enough in any home, but the challenge for blended families are the possibly two different sets of rules governing how and when homework should be done.

Maybe in your home, you feel that homework should be done right after school, or early in the morning on weekends. But in your child’s other living space, the rules are lax and the approach is “when you get to it.”

This can be confusing for kids, who first of all want to find a way to put off the inevitable. Have you ever heard a child argue for doing homework sooner rather than later?

Regardless of how many days your child or stepchild lives under your roof, you have a right to set up rules governing what goes on there in the way you see fit.

Here are some tips for coping with the dual-household dilemma—and avoiding homework drama:

Tip #1: Talk with the other Parent

In a perfect world, there would be one set of rules for your child, no matter where they lay their head. But this isn’t always the case. You can try to talk to your ex-spouse or the biological parent to see if it’s possible to create one set of rules. If not, it’s not worth getting upset over—and at least you know what you have to work with.

Tip #2: Your Rules are the Rules

If the rules are different under the two different roofs, any kid worth their salt will try the comparison trick if the other rules favor the put-it-off approach—it’s their birthright. That’s okay: it’s kids being kids. But, your house, your rules, and you aren’t obligated to do things the exact same way as the other household. Explain that you can appreciate how different people do things differently, but in your home, this is how it’s done.

Tip #3: Allow Child Input

Coming on the heels of that last tip, you can help the child feel some sense of control or at least have a say in rule-making by asking for their input on some aspect of the homework rule. For example, with younger children, you can state what the homework rules are, but they get to choose whether they have a snack before, during or after a homework session. For older kids, they could be given a choice of where to do their homework: in their room, at the dining room table, or some other designated space.

Negotiations are part of the family experience, regardless of the family being traditional or blended. The art of firmness with some degree of compromise works well in any situation. 

Hey, all you stepfamilies out there… do you have your plans set for National Stepfamily Day that’s coming up on September 16th?

So it’s not the most recognized holiday in the United States…yet. Sure, there’s a National Parents’ Day, which occurs annually on the fourth Sunday in July. Former President Bill Clinton signed the resolution into law not quite a decade ago, which Congress enthusiastically passed—unanimously, if you can believe that. That means at least parents in general are acknowledged.

But what about the, er, stepchild, of family-centric resolutions, one that acknowledges stepparenting?

That one, so far, has been overlooked, underappreciated, and possibly just plain ignored.

RemarriageWorks has put together its take on the top 5 reasons why presidents haven’t yet jumped on this one—a light, tongue-in-cheek look at politics as usual. Here we go:

Reason #5: Economists Haven’t Told Them about the Potential Economic Boost

According to a Pew Research Center survey that was done just last year, at least four in ten adults in the U.S. has at least one steprelative, be it parent, sibling or child. Now, imagine the economic boost to card companies, florists and bakeries across the country if there were only a National Stepfamily Day!

Reason #4: They Didn’t Like their Stepparent

This one may be a bit of a stretch but hey, if you’re President, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to—and that includes being nice to your stepparent. Though we’re sure all of our presidents who experienced the joys of a stepfamily would never think such a thing.

Reason #3: They Fear Offending the “Traditional” Constituency

America was built on good, old-fashioned traditional family values. Then along came stepfamilies… and no one knew quite what to do with them. The fear may be that, by acknowledging this brand of family, they may lose votes. We don’t want to be jaded—we’re just saying it’s a possibility.

Reason #2: They Don’t Realize How Many Voters They Could Get

Remember that Pew Research Center survey? Presidential candidates and incumbents, take note: there’s a whole group of folks out here who just may be swayed if shown a little holiday love in the form of National Stepfamily Day.

Reason #1: They Don’t Know Their History

If any president doesn’t fit in with that demographic of four in ten adults having a step-someone or other, then they need look no further than some very famous portraits on the walls of the White House.

For instance, George Washington married Martha and became stepdad to two children. Abraham Lincoln was a stepson.

So, if stepfamilies were good enough for George and Abe, they should get the acknowledgement they so richly deserve. We urge our leaders to elevate this platform to where it belongs: on a par with Thanksgiving… at the very least.

Let us know…

What is your take on why National Stepfamily Day has yet to take root?

IndyCar Driver Ed Carpenter Shares His Spin on Step- and Traditional Families 

Ed Carpenter counts himself a lucky man. Not only does he get to do something he loves that’s both a hobby and his job—something he considers a “luxury” to be able to do—but he also gets to include his family.

Ed is an IndyCar Driver—his team’s car is number 20. Ed took time out of his busy preparations for the Grand Prix happening in Baltimore over Labor Day weekend to share his thoughts with RemarriageWorks.com on stepfamilies and traditional families.

“It’s different in other sports, but in racing, family can come along,” says Ed. Not that he gets to see them a lot while he’s working, but he and his wife Heather take comfort in the knowledge that their kids are seeing the country and learning new things while still being together as much as possible.

Other than balancing work and family life, Ed has a new challenge: his daughter Makenna’s newly budding social calendar. For Makenna, who turns five in October, sometimes a friend’s birthday party presents a conflict. Ed and Heather try to balance those types of activities with spending as much time together as possible while Ed is on the road traveling, which he does from March until generally the end of October. (Luckily for the Carpenters, the race season ends the end of September this year.)

In addition to Makenna, there’s Ryder who just turned three, and a third baby on the way. The Carpenter family resides in Indianapolis, and they feel fortunate that during race season in the month of May, the races are based in Indianapolis.

Ed is also from a stepfamily, and he can only see the benefits that a stepfamily provided him. In fact, he’s no longer a stepson. The man he has called his stepfather since the age of eight has been going through the process of formally adopting him. That man is Indy Racing League founder Tony George and someone that Ed obviously looks up to and greatly respects.

Ed credits his stepfather for how he handled entering the blended family dynamic as a stepfather and the mindset he brought. Ed has this advice for anyone considering remarriage: “What made it great was, my last name was different, but I never felt different. My advice is don’t do it unless you’re willing to care for a child who is not your own.”

When Ed’s mom remarried, Ed got a stepbrother, and later, a sister came along. He considered his mother’s remarriage a good thing for him, providing him with what he feels was a more normal environment.

For kids transitioning into a blended family, he offers this advice: “Respect your parents. Have faith in them, that they’ll make decisions that are good for your well-being.”

As for the family-friendly Grand Prix, Ed says that with a street race, there is always something going on, both off-track and on. “There’s a car on the track all the time.” It’s a chance for a family to have a fun outing and spend time together, getting caught up in the thrill of the event.

This is Ed’s first year owning his own team in association with Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka. We wish Ed and his team the best of luck in this year’s IndyCar Series. And, best wishes to Ed and his wife in their efforts to cultivate a close family environment that surmount the challenges of a traveling athlete.