To kids, love is spelled T-I-M-E. The best thing you can spend on your kids is time. Let all of your children, biological and step, know how valued they are in your family by creating a special parent–child activity. Doing so will not only be fun, but your children will be all the healthier and happier for it.

by Laura Cannon

As philosopher Jim Rohn once said, “Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing.” For stepfamilies, this concept may be even more of a reality. Healthy and well-functioning biological families are often defined by the quality of the relationships, communication, and exchanges among their members. Different relationship dynamics are at play in stepfamilies, however.

In a biological family, parents bond before children enter the picture, which helps them create a united parental front for their children. In a stepfamily, though, parent and biological child—whose relationship existed before the stepfamily formed—may often share a more powerful bond following the separation of their biological family unit because their relationship remained intact. As a result, the new stepparent may feel out of the loop and all may feel stressed. To ease the strain in the family, it is critical to find ways to address this unique dynamic.

‘Quantity Time’ Is Not the Answer
The best way is for the stepparent to create special time with their stepchildren. Cultivate your own bond with each stepchild, which lets the child know you are on his or her side and you sincerely want a valued relationship with that child. For instance, go on an exclusive parent–child date, but, when multiple stepchildren are involved, be sure to distribute your time evenly. You may find that this special time with your stepchildren stirs up jealousy among the biological kids, who may feel you are trying too hard to please their stepsiblings. Yet, you don't want your stepchildren to feel that you favor your biological children. The solution? Schedule alone time with every child—step and bio—in your family.

Just as it is important for you to spend quality time with your partner to keep your union strong, it is equally vital that your time with the kids be of high quality. Just saying, “Hey, let's go have ‘special time’ at Burger Barn” and then drinking a milkshake while you watch your stepdaughter run around in the play area isn't quite the same as doing something together. There is nothing wrong with taking your child to the local fast-food restaurant and letting her play in ball pit if you’re in the pit with her, but you probably aren’t going to fit through the tiny, plastic entryway! Instead, choose an activity that affords an opportunity to bond over your shared experience, such as miniature golf. “Quality one-on-one time,” says psychologist Jamie Rishikof, “gives parents the chance to enjoy their child, to engage in a dynamic that is neither instructional nor disciplining but is simply being together, and enjoying each other's company.”

Remember: Kids are very perceptive. You might think that it was time well spent when you and the children went grocery shopping, stopped by the post office for stamps, and set the table for dinner. Sure, you spent a quantity of time together, but children recognize when you are present for them and when they are more like an accessory to your day. To let your children know that you are not just squeezing them in, make a date with each that is free of anything task driven, and stick to it.

To reach the child best, though, special alone time must have the following traits, according to Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent (Palgrave Macmillan, 2010):

• one child and one adult
• uninterrupted time, meaning no cell phones, computers, telephones, text messages, or e-mails during the designated period
• an activity that is both age-appropriate for child and parent, plus enjoyable to both. 

Spending one-on-one time will give you insight into your child's unique needs and desires. But, although it may seem a reasonable practice to handle all of your children the same, each child responds differently to various forms of attention. You will be more effective in creating a happy family if you treat each child in a way that works best for that child as an individual.

How do you find out which approach to use with one kid versus another? For starters, recognize that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Get to know your child as a person—her thoughts, his opinions, her dreams or interests. Gary Unruh, author of Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Joyful and Self-Confident Kids (Lighthouse Love Productions, 2010), says he hears the same thing from every kid who has a solid parent–child relationship that is based on alone time: “ ‘Who I am really matters to my dad and mom. They like to be with me.’  ” Kids just want to please their parents, whether bio or step. 

Okay. You feel like you now have a handle on each kid and you’re ready to plan that alone time. An important step is to consider what activities are appropriate for each age group. There’s nothing that will make many teenagers cringe like the thought of “forced family fun”! Although the trip to the art museum may sound to you like a great bonding opportunity, your 15-year-old son may have a completely different view. How about asking your teenager what he would like to do with you for a change? Most teenagers would choose to spend their Saturday with friends over parents, especially if they feel they are being forced into an activity they wouldn’t enjoy. Allow your teen to suggest activities for the two of you.

Trust Takes Time
Especially when bonding with a teenager, you may be tempted to use your one-on-one time to play “Magnum P.I.” and interrogate the kid for details about his or her social or school life.

Resist the urge! Make this time together strictly F.F.O.—For Fun Only! You two will develop intimacy and openness over time. Instead, initially focus on establishing a trusting relationship by allowing your bio or stepchild the space to enjoy your company. Doing so gives each of your children a model of interaction. They’ll realize that this special alone time is something they have with only you, and when they really need you, they can count on having your undivided attention at a specific time and place.

An added bonus to setting up regular F.F.O. one-on-one outings is that “children whose parents spend quality time with them are more likely to speak with (and listen to) their parents, instead of relying on peers to tell them what is socially acceptable,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness (Morgan James, 2009). “Time with your children also translates to greater self-confidence, better grades, improved behaviors, less transgressions and happier, more resilient young people.”

Patience is critical to forming lasting bonds with your bio and stepchildren. According to marriage and family therapist Ashley Southard, “It often takes children several years to adjust to the transitions associated with living in a stepfamily. . . . Let them develop a relationship with their stepparent at a pace that feels comfortable to them, not you.” By getting to know who your children are in this steadfast and personal way, you will become more receptive to when each child needs time with you, even if the two of you don’t have an outing scheduled. Such increased receptivity has its rewards; for example, you spot your stepdaughter acting in a way that you now recognize is out of character for her, so you proactively schedule an impromptu bonding session. The message you’re sending to your child is that she matters.

As you build bonds with your children, inject a little spontaneity here and there. Think of your own relationship or marriage: As busy adults, you and your partner often have to set aside alone time on the calendar, even though this approach is not the most romantic. Recall a time, though, when you two shared a spur-of-the-moment evening together because it just so happened that all the kids were out of the house. How much fun was that?! You appreciated the spontaneity, and so will your kids.

Start bonding today! Begin by crafting a handwritten invitation to every child in your family, inviting each on a special parent–child F.F.O. day. You may choose to leave the invitation open and let each child come up with alone-time ideas, or describe the outing—be sure it’s age appropriate—and the time and place. By spending this quality time with all of your kids, you will soon find that your family garden is flourishing.

Laura Cannon is a nondenominational minister, transformational life coach, and couples coach who lives in Ellicott City, Maryland. Her upcoming book Creationships is designed to assist couples in using their marriage as a tool for growth and transformation. You can learn more about Laura’s services and read her blog at www.divinetransformation.com.

One of the biggest decisions facing your new wedded bliss is to conceive or not to conceive. She wants the emotionally binding “cement baby”; he’s still saying, “Been there, done that.” What’s a loving couple to do?

by Gail Buchalter

Maybe you’re sipping a nonfat soy milk latte as you wriggle further into the cushy depths of the recliner. Middle age has descended upon you, yet here you are, thinking about having another child. Your mind wanders back to a younger time when you were married for the first time and knew it would last forever. The big question was when to have children, not if.

That was, of course, before the divorce. It was also before you had the pediatrician’s phone number on speed dial, driven to a thousand softball practices, or sold your soul for college tuition. Now you are remarried and thinking about having children??? You know the pitfalls; you know the joys. Or, perhaps you thought you knew your mind. Now here comes another spouse with a ticking biological clock.

So what are the variables of having children with a second spouse? Does it get easier because you are more mature? Or does it get harder because you are just plain older?

George Robinson had reached 50 not expecting to have children. His first wife, a buyer for Bloomies, knew from the get-go that children weren’t going to litter her career path. George, in his late twenties at the time, was also heavily involved in his work. They would have children when the time was right. It never was during their 9-year marriage, which has since dissolved. At age 53, though, George became a first-time dad.

He and Marissa dated for a few years. She had three children from her previous marriage: a girl in college and two boys in high school. Yet, from the beginning she talked about having a baby; he found himself quite taken with the idea. He married her, mostly to fulfill that wish.

Their daughter, Reese, was born, and Marissa’s older daughter began coming home more often on weekends to spend time with her new family. The teenage boys remained fairly oblivious to their little sister’s presence, though, finding her not nearly as enticing as a PlayStation. But Marissa, then 45, had figured it out. She could afford to stay home with this baby and had planned to work just 2 days a week. George was just as content.

“Yes, we’ve done the math,” he said, smiling. “When she’s 28, I’ll be 80. I do worry about being older, but hopefully she’ll keep me young. The good thing about being older is I have more patience now. I don’t take things for granted. I’m so thrilled to have a daughter.”

So far the Robinsons have had it easy. There were no furious ex-spouses, no disfranchised children. In other words, it’s far from the nightmare that Rachael Davis experienced when she remarried at 30. She had a young daughter, Elizabeth. Her second husband, Charles, had two grown children and two teenagers. The daughter was born with fetal alcohol syndrome and was bipolar. Her brother, too, had his problems. He was drunk and driving when he killed someone. Rachael had no illusions about the life she was marrying into, but was so in love she decided to just deal with it. Did that include having kids?

“No way,” Rachael said, with startling clarity. “My daughter was 8 at the time Charles and I married, and his youngest kids lived with us off and on for the first 8 years. They treated Elizabeth like she was a stepchild. They begrudged her anything we gave her, no matter what we had given them. I couldn’t bring another child into that environment. I could protect one, but no more. Had I been younger, I don’t think I could have survived those years myself.”

The Robinsons’ decision to have children and the Davises’ not to had nothing to do with age. For both couples, it was a case of circumstance. Yet for JoAnn E., it was all about getting older. She was finished pressing the snooze alarm on her biological clock. “My husband and I were having the time of our lives,” recalls JoAnn, 55, who first married in 1977. “We both had great jobs and great friends, beach weekends and freedom. Then, about 9 years into the marriage, we started talking about having a baby. We even went so far as to try.”

Thank goodness, she says, it didn’t work. “He finally said, ‘No can do.’ ” A life change of that magnitude was not for him, even though they had discussed it before the wedding. You could hear the very fabric of the marriage rending. “Although at the time it felt like I was choosing which arm to cut off, the marriage or a child,” she says, “divorce was inevitable.”

Two years later, JoAnn fell in love with Kevin. He, too, wanted kids, and thought time was running out. “Marrying again wasn’t that important,” says JoAnn, “but when you find the right someone, who wants the same thing, it’s such a bonus.” She delivered her daughter, Meagan, 16 months after she married. “I was 39, which wasn’t that old, but I was starting to worry if I waited much longer, I wouldn’t have the energy to raise a kid.” Although both had fulfilling careers, they agreed that he’d take the working lead and she’d devote more time to parenting—with both engaged in Meagan’s nurturing. Luckily, both embraced this life change.

For Anne G., it didn’t matter how much a husband was willing to pitch in. She was never going to have kids. At 56, she embarked on her fifth marriage, having miraculously found five men who decided—as she did—not to raise the children issue. (She was a noncustodial stepmom to two along the way; that, or the view of her own dad’s remarriage with his new family, caused her to think the better of it.) Looking back, she has no regrets.

On the other hand, Alice Thornton had always wanted two children. She also wanted a responsible husband to morph into a great dad. That wasn’t going to happen. Instead, Alice, who married at 21, divorced 13 years later, childless. Two years went by, and she met Richard. Within 4 months they were living together and pregnant. He was 49 and thrilled with the onset of his fourth child; she was 36 and leery. “It all happened too quickly,” said Alice. “If I hadn’t gotten pregnant things would have turned out differently. I wanted a child and to be married and thought it might work out. Now, at least, I have two children. But I don’t know what the future holds.”

Their shotgun wedding sans shotgun turned into even more of a crap shoot, and the die rolled wildly. The problem began, Alice says, with the arrival of her teenaged stepdaughter, Jamie, who moved in. “Unfortunately, my relationship with my husband depends on his daughter,” she said. “She is daddy’s little girl, and I have become the wicked stepmother. . . . She is jealous of me and competitive with our [young] son. My husband does nothing to alleviate the situation and allows her to be disrespectful towards me. I’m beginning to feel as though I’m preparing myself mentally to leave, but hope it won’t come to that.”

Unlike the Thorntons, though, the other couples left little to chance when deciding to have or not have a baby. JoAnn, an editor, was able to configure her work so she could do it from home; she couldn’t have pulled this off earlier in her career. George Robinson has already set up a trust fund for his daughter’s college tuition. Age brought with it financial stability. Maturity brought with it the right questions. “Can we afford a child?” and “Are we ready to have a baby?” are from the past.

Now the relevant question is, What will a baby add to our lives? Those who respond, “Chaos,” like the Davises, generally choose not to have children. Others, who start glowing even before they’re pregnant, figure, What the heck? The pediatrician’s already on speed dial.

Gail Buchalter is a freelance writer living on Maryland’s Eastern Shore.