Advice by Chuck and Jae

Remarrying With Skeptical Friends and Family

Monday, July 12, 2010

Reader writes:  I left my husband in October after being married for 13 months, and we filed for divorce later that same month. I met the love of my life and started dating in November. We moved in together in December with my 6-year-old daughter. Now that my divorce is final, we are planning on getting married later on this year.

My family and friends who have seen us together are so happy for us all, but my extended family and friends from farther away don’t seem to get it. I am trying to be very understanding of their feelings, and I was in the beginning.  However, my fiancé and I have been through a lot in these few months together. We are raising my daughter, had our house broken into, one of us has filed for bankruptcy due to medical bills, and we have lost a baby. Many couples would have crumbled under the pressure, but we have grown closer together and it has shown us even more that we want to be together in the good and the bad.

Is there anything we can do to get people to understand our love is real and that this time is different for me?

Chuck and Jae reply:
  Wow!  Married and divorced in 13 months. New “love” 1 month later. Moved in together the next month. Getting married this year. House break-in. Bankruptcy. Miscarriage. The pace of all this activity is almost overwhelming. It’s admirable that you and your fiancé have grown closer through all this, and we must admit, it could be a good omen for the future.

We can understand, on the other hand, how some of your friends and family might be skeptical. Healthy, lasting relationships usually take time (and effort) to develop. Also, a reasonable amount of “solo” time between relationships is recommended, particularly to allow us to reflect on our part in the breakup of the previous relationship, so we don’t make the same mistakes over and over again.

The only thing that is going to convince others that “this time is different” is time. That  could mean years for some people. Even then, the quality of the relationship will be an important factor.

Rather than focus on persuading others, we recommend you instead focus on trying to make this the best marriage possible for you. That could include some professional counseling to help you learn from the mistakes of your previous relationships, as well as providing you and your fiancé important tools to assist you through the inevitable rough spots.

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